Jackies Little Ripples

wow, I hadn't realized...

2009-06-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

I have thought often, you know you NEED to go and blog...or cancel it! make up your mind...well....

TADA!

I'm BACK! well, for now at least. does anyone remember when I said I was doing renovations last year? Well, I know 1 person who does...lol (the only one who probably reads this thing!)

well, me writing here, isn't the only thing that is back, so are the Reno's! Ugh, this weeks excitement..what was supposed to be a great weekend planned painting and fun with teenagers. turned darkly into the scrape and cry weekend...:(
I so wanted to get into the painting of my dining room, in my own wonderfully 100 year old home. One room, the living room is done. So much to my delight far better than I could have imagined. Fact is I turned around after the furniture was in place and gasped to myself, with great joy!
Now to the dinging room....We have the paint, I had , all hands on deck, furniture was moved, and then, oddly (yeah right) the wall was touched as one large piece of furniture was moved, leaving a scratched spot.
I went over to the spots, looked closer and realized the paint already on the wall was peeling, very similar to that of fingernail polish. I pulled and with horror just KNEW...that no paint would stick to THAT wall...(pouting I knew the dark truth about my walls). It was more than obvious, we were going to have to remove everything on the wall, 100 years of history.
now in reality, I am a history preserver, for most purposes, not where 100 years of terrible, ugly, wallpaper and paint over plaster and lathe walls! There is something about 8 inches of deep purple peonies against green wallpaper that just doesn't NEED to be savaged.
Do you have any idea just how hard it is to remove countless layers upon layers of ugly old wallpaper can be. UGH, ouch, sigh and sadness all describe it!
I hadn't felt good at one point, prior to the scraping point. I had delightful dreams of coming out and finding white primed walls, and a true gain on the rooms redoing. I awoke from my nap, feeling rejuvenated, I came out of the bedroom to some parts of the wall slate gray along with piles of paper on the floor. Sad looks on that of my husband, and my lovely teenage helpers.
so, on goes the saga of renovation trip falls at my home. I just know in my heart, it will someday be finished.
many, many things have been accomplished here. SO MANY difficulties overcome in our processes. Our home is much better than I imagined it would be at this point.
Our front is yet to be finished but, We are beyond a point of shame anymore, and I actually accomplished cutting it the other day, without breaking a sweat, because over half is level, and seeded. Our garden looks great this year, and then so does the living room. The kitchen is starting to definitely looking HUGELY better as well. so there are serious improvements overall. and I count those things when I look at the walls of my horrific dinging room! Knowing full well, there is a lovely neutral beige color for it, calmly and patiently awaiting its opening from its can (ok I had to be silly somewhere)...I know there is a lovely dark brown for the floor to go withthe window shades and so on for the room!

SO as I sit here at 1 am in the morning watching my terribly devoted husband, standing once again on the ladder scraping his little heart out, I will say farewell, and promise not to wait 3 months to come back and comment!

Except for Monday, which was...

2009-04-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

Well we have all heard this song right?
Well, it seems I can't get this SONG OUT OF MY HEAD. Maybe that is because it is appropriate. See,s like most days are ok, well except for Monday. Whoops, that's TODAY ISN'T IT?
I am happy to announce that IT IS WARM outside. woohoo! I get to experience that part of the year where my inner soul get to FLY! Oh how I have waited for it. I have told myself, when it gets warm, I will feel better. When it gets warm, I will be able to do more. When it gets warm, I will not hurt. HUH...well, then I read back over last years blogs! LOL

I believe I would find that all the things I was previously telling myself would be true, if I would just factor in just ONE MORE INGREDIENT....caution.

I tend to forget often, yes, today, or for right now, I can....cut the grass, weeds the flower beds, or push the dirt where it belongs...BUT.

Later that day....(which has GOT TO BE MONDAY!)

I can't move, or breathe, or even call my current state of mind at that time, conscious!

I tend to forget that even though it is warm, I don't have to beat myself up, and just ENJOY...Yep ENJOY, the weather and relief.
I have had a lot of time here lately to re-evaluate things, and the last year, and then on to the past.

It has been over a year now, since we lost Auntirene. She impacted us, and others in life, and in death. I realised there were others that were suffering as the date came back around this year. My husband, felt his world crush one more time this year as it came about.

As for his health, well, it is some better, but his abilities are limited, not by his weight, or his job, but some of it is backlash from his heart, the other is from suffering from depression.

As I have taken stock in the good the bad the ugly. I realise, the good keeps popping back up.
for all the bad, with the deaths, money, health issues for us both, OH MY THE GOOD OUT WEIGH THE BAD BY FAR!

There are things and people in our lives that make our hearts sing.
There are days that make other days pale against them, where happiness is concerned.

Pardon me as I list some exceptional things to be grateful for....forgive my ramblings.....
I am grateful for
teenagers, all of you KNOW who you are,
(and although there are those who believe I shouldn't be allowed around kids...that is your issue, not reality)
My friends
my children...ALL OF THEM
My oldest son Charles, and his children
my daughter and Caleb (who strives everyday to make the best of it, in spite of the autism)
My Youngest son and his wife.
My neighbors, my caregiver, my NEW Dr.s who try SO HARD TO HELP...(and yes they do)
there are so many things, everyday, I find all the reasons i the world to lay my head down and give thanks for.

I am so lucky. through all there is in everyday to struggle through.... I am lucky.
Mostly, I am grateful for my husband....who puts up with my every mood!!!!! LOL

He truly has the patience of a Saint.

Wow, I get to stay home..so what do I do...?

2009-03-04T09:02:00.000-08:00

In the adventures of going back and forth to the doctorwith 4 hours travel either way...getting shots in several areas, for pain control, ect., ect., ect. oh add the other doctors that AREN'T that far away, well life gets busy.
So today I find myself at HOME woo hoo! I thought well I could do...and .... then I can....!

YEAH RIGHT!

Reality check, there is a reason I travel to the doctor. There is a reason I DON'T do some of these things..DUH! I hate it. I do. So my neighbor decided to have some renovations done on her home, and being the DIY persson I am, I thought I was going to see how they do it. Found out if I was going to do it myself, IF I could do it myself, my procedures are spot on. Now I KNOW if I have my husband do these thingss I really can tell him how to do it! LOL

Well, there are some things I DO plan on doing, piddling around the house, doing the computer things, getting some correspondence done. Then...
I have an important date with the pillow this afternoon! Ah, Lifes little pleasures. There really is something to say for being in an "empty nest."

Come on back later, I plan on doing a COMPLETE update on my chiildren and grandchildren. Then we will see what other sort of things I can get into! lol

Hope you have a great, wonderful, absolutely resting Wednesday!

wow, what a difference a life can make?

2009-02-27T16:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago, that I worked on the yard. It seems even longer that I actually planted a garden, drove a car, planned anything...but it wasn't. It wasn't a lifetime ago, that I worked in the gravel, the strawberry's, that I helped my husband work with the teenagers to do the wall in front of our house.
AHHH, but then there is today. Today, I am in a motor wheelchair. Think I did too much? Today, I run down the ramp..another necessary addition to our house. It is TODAY, that I have to actually rely on ASKING! that is one of the hardest things to do.

To ask? To depend, to need. Oh what an adjustment I have had to make. Remember me, I taught myself to paddle the gravel, and odd ways of getting things done? Remember, my major concern was to see which color matched what in the world of flowers.
Oh well, we will start something new. Something valuable in the realm of my everyday. That's OK too.
Maybe I need to get back to that writing thing I do. Petting the dogs, loving the husband...and the family.
I think I will just re- prioritize.
...more to come....

Somedays are longer than others.

2008-10-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

I KNOW the weather is changing outside. All one has to do is to walk out the door to feel the chill in the temperature. This does a few things to me and for me.

I will end up in MORE pain, just from the varying barametric pressure changes and how they relate to this body of the injured. Remember when your OLD Granny Use to look at you and say, "well we're gonna get some rain." She knew because the changes in the barametric pressure worked on her arthritis. Well, arthritis is just one of my issues. I full intend on making this a short blog, so I will go , yeah that's the problem!

No More working outside. There isn't a lot of value in...well decorating and landscaping the snow and mud now is there? I can plan, and plan. This just tends to, well this will terrify the husband. I don't have a lot of use anymore for the whole outdoor decorating for the holidays. No, I'm not a grinch, or scrooge, I just have no desire with my pain levels to do the whole ladder thing in the cold!

I am going to have more time to write. Woo Hoo! Time to organise the interior of the house, my affairs, and my thoughts!

I have had a wonderful invitation for my husband and myself to visit my youngest son and his new wife. We have yet to meet. My daughter has begun her new life as a single mother and I am terribly excited to see her new home.

If God be willing, There are others out there I wish to spend MAJOR time with. My neighbor has gotten me interested in a project of hers. Being a history fanatic, she has some documents she needs help with. They are copies from the civil war time. I am delighted and honored to be able to be counted in on this adventure she is on.

So I guess instead of looking at the bad coming, I CHOOSE to look forward to the things I have to look forward to.

Oh No...Mr. Bill, I'm A GIRL!

2008-10-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

If indeed it is elves or fairies, I wish they really didn't know what sizes I wear, and what my taste in clothing is. That being said, I am leaning toward the latter of the above sentence. I must have a clothing addiction. I believe this because I have been doing laundry for two days and low and behold...I am still washing. Now, some would say that well, you have more than yourself. Yep, sure do, I have a husband and 5 animals.

That's IT! The little dogs are wearing my clothing and mustering it up! NOT.
I just have too many clothes.

We have been under the constant flux here from remodeling and moving the things of our lost loved one, and just generally reclaiming what is ours.

OK, so here has been MY plan.

Go into a room...decimate it! Take it to bare bones, remove everything. Go through it ALL, sort shift, discard, clean replace where everything in the room is perfect and ORGANIZED! WOO HOO.

The problem...What comes out, has to go somewhere?

If you remove it from one room...where you going to put it until 1) you can sort through it. 2) you feel good enough to go through it 3) where are you going to keep those things till then?
Enter ...space bags, garbage bags, eye socket bags!
OK, antiques, doilies likely never to be used again, and memento's which should be protected go into space bags... DONE!

Throw out things not worth saving...ummm, we might do this a few times, because well,...I just might want that, OR I might get into that...
OR You know I could save that and put into a quilt, or cleaning rags, or.... (well I am sure you get by now)

NOW, onto the reality. I have WAY to many clothes. No I CAN'T get rid of them. Some are versatile outfits. For church, meetings, going out, or you know holidays, ( Yeah and I could win the Lottery and what would I wear)

I have clothing for working outside. Yep...plenty of them. It may not have officially started that way but who throws out a perfectly good fitting bleach and dirt (permanently stained) Jeans?
I have all the other clothing.

I think I have an addiction to the potential I used to have. Ergo the 14 dress outfits and suits. Too many outdoor clothing. Just plain and simple. Then there are the other outfits. Just too many cute outfits!

Here's the truth. When I was younger, they never EVER called me Jackie (yeah that is my name), they called me Jack. Yep a boys name. Oh wait..I was fine with that, because I truly thought I was supposed to be a boy anyway. I liked tools, Fields and the woods. I liked bumming underneath the cars, and fixing the water. I had no problem except..OH I am a girl. I really struggled with this for years. I choose to go into traditionally male dominated jobs, (yep and broke a few of the old theories about women during this time). I fixed my car. I was a single parent. I did it all, anything a man could do, yep...me too. (Boy and girls alike. When they tell you girls you can't stand and pee, don't believe them, I tried that too! Just to prove I could. It was messy, But I could do it!) I should have been a boy. I didn't like dressing like girls did, I definitely didn't go for the whole cutesy tootsie, getting my hair curled thing!

Fast forward to ...COOL fashions! OLD AGE! and just the general discovery of great fitting jeans. There is my issue. I found out I am A GIRL! A girl who can match clothing, arrange pictures, shape and figure out how to decorate my world. Beginning with the inventory of filled hangers in my closet! LOL..Oh it is such an issue.

I had the clothing in the one room, waiting for my strength to be rebuilt. Oh...enter...

THE DOGS!

The ones that think their mommy REALLY loves them, they know this because look what she did for us...She made great new beds for us in the laundry baskets! Yep...they got all over the sorted clothing and well...the clothing got clirty...I am hoping you know clirty.
its a combination of clean and dirty. Yep my clean clothes were clirty, they were contaminated by my animals dirty feet. clean + dirty =

CLIRTY!

OK...today, I bit the bullet. It IS LAUNDRY-DAY...OK DAYS!
two days and counting. but this has given me a chance to get reacquainted with many items I haven't seen in a while, and yes I vow to touch them in the next 6 months!

My addiction is apparent. I admit it. Trust me I am on the semi road to recovery. I did get rid of some, donated to our local free charity.
But that has left me with 5 weeks of, ummmm, non-repeating outfits.

So, as I go through the outfits, I plan on putting markers, otherwise known as going to the ends of the closet, so I know which I will get rid of in the spring!

Wish me luck!

Admissions, how do you make them.

2008-10-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

I know we all make mistakes. All of us. No one is excluded from this category. Many of us will try desperately to lie our way out of them, avoidance is another thing. I guess my question is, when we KNOW in our hearts, we have made a mistake, how do we admit it.

There are several times in the course of everyday, each and everyone of us makes mistakes. Whether it is (yes I have done this), ruining someone clothing in a wash cycle and mysteriously its ended up in the trash to cover our hides, or lost money and not told your husband/parent/significant other. It may have been a bumper bender which is barely noticeable.

There are other mistakes we make as well. Trusting those we shouldn't, finding out that you have made a humongous money error, putting faith in others we shouldn't have. Then there are the mistake like...being addicted to something, drugs, alcohol, sex. Cheating is another thing that many deal with. Portraying yourself as another person to those outside your home, ( we all know those people, they act like the perfect employee, perfect family person, perfect business person) this is another mistake some make.

So the question I propose is, when do you admit your errors? How do you do it. I have problems myself that I have a terrible time admitting to myself, let alone to others, my own mistakes. I want to be seen as a better person than I really am. I find that sometimes though it is a terrifying thought to "fan ones laundry", though it is supposed to be good for the should? It is terrifying to think of! How will my life change, and will it be for the better?

How do we approach someone we know with the fact they are committing a huge error. You may know why, but what happens when that comes about, you risk a friendship, relationship with a family member/spouse. DO we want to stop having contact with those people, just how long and in what ways should we admit to our OWN issues?

I am open for advise?

Sometimes we just need to change the wardrobe!

2008-10-19T01:08:00.000-07:00

I have been experiencing some very good news lately. After a long and tiring turn of trying to find a doctor. I have never really given up on the hope that someday...SOMEDAY, I would find someone/somewhere/something that would help my life even get back to a little of the old me. I tried and failed so miserably, so many times, went through some sadistic treatments. No, none of them helped. Sometimes, the futility of my situation seemed to NEVER END! I feel into hopelessness often.

I had days where I prayed for a release from GOD. Imagining that life, as it were, for the next forty more years, well that was harder to fathom and get my mind around than anyone can imagine. I would go through my days crying, hobbling around with a cane (which I still use), stumbling and bumbling around the house. I wished I could find some path to help me to understand why this path was so hard and endlessly miserable.

I went through doctor, after doctor. I tried to explain to each and everyone of them, life as "me". They never got it. So I would either be sent back to my regular doctor, who would either shrug, or do nothing. I would listen to the great and ALL KNOWING doctors; who were far more educated than I. I'd try to figure out,yet another route to travel for the great enlightenment of my doomed future. I never made it there, either.

I, as I stated earlier, have run into yet another doctor. I refused to accept I was just a mixed bag of issues, some of them beyond the doctors knowledge and ability. Many of the issues I dealt with on a daily basis were not even addressed by the OH, SO GREAT PHYSICIANS around in our localalities, treated as non-issues, unworthy of their addressing.

I understand that many of the doctors are far brighter than I, and the mere fact that I would fall cold onto the floor in a dead of state of unconsciousness was a triviality, but I thought an acknowledgement would have been nice. I stayed frustrated. I stayed in pain. I stayed compelled to continue my fight.

SO I WENT clothes shopping!

I KNOW...CLOTHES SHOPPING? Hard following, huh? If I go shopping and just grab something off the rack of dozens of colors and sizes and assorted patterns...I am without doubt...not going to be happy.

If someone stops at a plaza, shopping mall, store, boutique, and then tells me I have to shop there, I would be miffed to say the least. I wouldn't be going in and if I did...I likely wouldn't buy. I am sorry, I still believe you can take a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

If I buy, or have bought for me, clothing which is too big, too small, or just a tad out-dated. I am not buying it, keeping it, and I am

DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO BE MADE TO WEAR IT ALWAYS!!! EVERYDAY, OF THE WEEK, OF THE MONTH, OF THE YEAR ....FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

I don't think that is fashion correct anyway. I am old fashioned, I don't wear my hem on my dress to where my buttocks are going to show when I bend! So why would I consider this format...

FOR MY HEALTH!

I kept trying, something inside me kept saying go, don't give up, keep trying. I tried to do what was asked of me of the doctors. I kept telling myself, they know best. BUT my insides kept saying, I can't live this way. I CAN'T! This isn't life!

The pain was horrendous, debilitating, life stopping and in some peoples realm, life stopping, by any means.

I changed my clothes. I went out and kept shopping, for the outfit that fit, I wanted that PERFECT outfit. Just the right color, size, fit, and style. I found it finally. I am hoping this outfit turns out to be one of those timeless pieces. You know that PERFECT blue or black blazer. That just right size of gym shoes that feel great and invigorate your feet when you wear them all day. I pray this doctor is just like my favorite pair of jeans, the one that hasn't gone out of style, and never does!

Do NOT settle for an old outfit, that doesn't fit. Don't wear someone Else's outfit that is so tight...It hurts. Don't settle for the doctor /outfit that hasn't been updated in a very long time. Or goodness don't wear an outfit not for your age/style/gender.

I would really hate to have you where a woman's dress if you are a 7 foot basketball player, even if it is a wedding dress with great lines!

Just don't quit shopping. KEEP looking. DO NOT GIVE UP!

Blog, Blah, and comments with no BLING!

2008-08-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

OH, I have to admit it. Sometimes I get sidetracked. I forget to BLOG There are times I don't feel very well, then....I have to admit it....I have been cheating on my blogging with another website!

It is a great website though, it is called the Experience Project. I have met so many wonderful, people there. People like myself, only they are from ALL OVER! One friend is from Australia. I find some of the things I need are met there. Some of the people I have encountered, I would bring them into my home, feed them, hug them and love them forever. The feeling is mutual as well.

Now I have the other admissions. I sometimes run out of things to say I think others would be inteested in reading on a daily basis. I hate dragging people down with the mundane and miserable life I have on days. Those are the BLAH days.

There are other times I don't blog, those are days that I am BOUNCING around the internet, just like an intenet Tigger, commenting hither and thro! Leaving COMMENT here and comment there. Like a bird or a bee. I am sure there are those who find my comments unwlecome, but for those un-enlightened individuals, I said....Remove your comment box!

One more....

2008-08-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

One more thing, if I do just one more I'll be done. HA
The lists of thing to do around my home is incredible. Among other things, eventually I am going to have to take time off to finish some of my writing projects! I know on the scale of 100 years, whether I finish leveling that dirt pile in the back is small, but in the realm of going out the back door? Not so un-noticeable! So I am working at it, piddling is what I like to call it. Take the dogs out to go potty, move one shovel of dirt, then move one shovel of dirt, then move one shovel of dirt, well you get the idea.
I have learned to minimize things to myself. It has worked so far. It isn't that way everyday, of course, because some days it equals, one step, just take one step.

Well, after all the talk about my health here, and all the whining and complaining I have done, I have some news. I have been struggling with pain and problems for 17 years. Every time I went to the doctors, they would scratch their little educated heads and say, "Well, I'm not sure why or what it is that is causing this. No I don't know where you'll end up." This always made me feel ever so confident in the medical profession.
After much complaint, research, and so on...the verdict is in. They have definitively diagnosed me as having Multiple Sclerosis. Now for some that would be devastating, but to me it is an answer. No more dark future of unknown. I am researching it more and more each day. The good thing about KNOWING what is wrong with you is you can see what will happen and what can be done. One of the SURE things is IT DOES NOT KILL YOU! So sorry for your luck, I am going to be here for a while!!!

Now back to the fun part....my yard! I have a few more things to finish in the back but I have started bleeding the work to the side and front yards! WOO HOO. In as much as there are four sides to the yard, front, back, left and right sides. Which part depends on what needs to be done. The major renovations have obviously been in the back and front.
The back yard is about one week from being done. Move small pile of dirt, small pile of gravel, build arbor and remove the rest of wood pile. Ta DA! The actual patio furniture actually made it to the patio yesterday! This was a major event. I did a little dance in my back yard. I was by myself, and then noticed some children who had been playing two yards over, they stopped and looked at the crazy old lady with the mean dogs dance..I stopped, waved, and they turned their backs and went about their play! Oh well, I guess I get Geek of the Year award!

Today's plan is to try and clean out some of the side yards weeds and to get rid of the Giant Sunflowers. Yep, it's getting to be that time of year. Then it''s off to the back yard again. In a perfect world I would be able to do these things in two days, but It AIN'T perfect here, if you have any questions ask me about my laundry.

Well, I should end this dialogue or today's list will be tomorrows!

BLESSINGS

2008-08-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

This year has been a year of learning. There have some extremely sad moments where loss of so many things struggled to crush us. There have been some glorious moments where elation took over.
Balancing the two is hard. As I look back at the year at this point the only consistent I have found is the blessing GOD has given us.

The loss of both our Aunt and my Step-Mother. Struggling with the health issues both my husband and myself. Financial issues, remodeling a 100 year old house, family issues have all taken a toll on us.

My daughter has been through her own trials this year. It amazes me at how much I have learned from her. Her attitude that things will be okay and that you should count your blessings; has once again reminded me of ALL the things I have been able to experience.

I used to love it when I went to college. Learning was a thrill for me. I would get just like a child every semester. The thought of learning something new delighted me. This year has been like going through a VERY long, tough semester at college, where all the courses weren't gravy courses.

I will say, the blessings I have had were amazing.
I have found GOD is always with me.
I have an amazing daughter and son.
I have a grandson, who is autistic, and more than up to the challenge of overcoming.
I have been blessed with a husband who is the love of my life. A perfect mate.
I have been blessed with the company of amazing teenagers.
I have the greatest relationship now with an awesome 14 year old.
I have the sweetest pets to comfort me when I feel bad.
I have finally found out why I feel bad.
I have the best neighbors, and friends.
I have found my own inner strength, and it is wonderful.
I have found friends on another website, who support and encourage me.
I have a home that I can bring to life.
I have a blessing everyday to be grateful for. Each one is awe inspiring in its own right.

So if you haven't figured it out, I am counting my blessings and I am overwhelmed by the amount of love GOD has given me. HE has allowed me to have all these undeserved gifts, and I am humbled.

Alright, I have had help. I am a tad of a control freak too!

2008-08-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

BEFORE

AFTER

I have NEVER been one of those sit and point people. I also have ALWAYS lived a life of,...Well if no one else is going to do it, someone has to. Fair enough?
I have had some of the most remarkable help this summer. The gift of self has been the norm, not that I understand that whole yet.
There have been breaks, in my visitations of help though. There have been projects I have wanted done, that only I could describe, and then to acheive REQUIRED me to complete.
My husband is back at work, I've mentioned that before, so he isn't at his top game either. He is so tired when he comes home, he looks at what has been acheived, talks about how wonderful it is, and then shakes his head when he finds out how it was done. OH well, I can't help it.

I love decorating. I LOVE my 100 year old home. When we bought this house it wasn't because we were in love with everything, actually little, EXCEPT the bones. Our home had lovely old bones that showed so much untapped potential. Well, where there is potential,there is work to be done.
If you read the previous blog, you will note that I have at least reduced to the "Think Small" school of thought. Which is great.
As for over extendeding...MAYBE?

Think Small!

2008-08-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

I know I have mentioned that I have health issues. That is a dead horse I won't go over.

I will also remind you I have been ever so AMBITIOUS, as to undertake the renovations of my home, with a BUNCH of help! Well, school is starting and the husband is back at work and no, things aren't done. As IF...
So now I have come to the realization that much of the things left to be done are going to be are going to fall on my old decrepit shoulders. AW, are you pitying me yet?

So there are a few things to be accomplished outside. something about five to eight ton of gravel to be set into the patio, removal of a pallet of retaining wall block (each weighing thirty pounds).

There is the building of the rest of the retaining wall, as well as the landscaping of the front yard. Oh and then let's talk about the front porch and the exterior of the house and stuccoing the bottom of the house. OK. Got the idea yet. TO MUCH HGTV! Well that is what my husband has told me. What do you think?
I have not yet told you about the inside yet have I? OK never mind that till later! Are you rolling your eyes, sometimes I do.

Well, let's get back to the "Think Small" title. I have realised it is very hard to do certain acts.
Silly little things like shovel, rake, dig... and so on. I have been known to do these things, I am not going to lie about that, but I have PAID DEARLY for them. But I have figured it out...Think Small.

As opposed to shovelling the gravel into a wagon, which requires a great deal of effort. Then take it a few feet to drop it. I have thought about picking up a shovel and throwing it a few feet to the other end of the patio, alright that hurts too. I finally figured it out.
For me, little here and there is okay.
I realised I may not be able to do somethings but oddly enough, I CAN Paddle. Yea, I said. You know like in a boat. So every time I take the dogs for a walk, I paddle. I paddle the gravel to the other side.

Little as a time. I Paddle the fire out of four or five shovel of gravel. Should I call this Piddling then since it is SO small? Maybe I should but, I get it done. Little at a time.
I have managed to get about one half of the intended projects I set out for myself this way.

So I think I am going to push the little things. Go small and go home!

I would love to hear you comment on the matter. Is Big really better?

Alright. I admit it. I AM OLD! oh that hurt! My daughters fairy tale.

2008-08-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

I am forty-eight. It hurts, because on somedays I emotionally feel like I am still twenty-five. Well, my twenty-five was different than some twenty-five year olds. I had already had three children, I was working hard to feed the family as a single mom but, when I went out to play at twenty-five, I played HARD!

I danced with abandonment. Drank like a fish (with the tolerance of an elephant). Laughed hard at things around my. I was LIVELY?

I have since then struggled with health issues and abuse since then so I have slowed down. I still laugh, just about now as much as I did when I was tewnty-five, which REALLY help.
I now find myself in a place I would have never thought I would be in.

My daughter is alomst divorced. Fortunately, it wasn't a nasty divorce, as far as divorces go but, anyone who has been through one knows they all take their toll. She is doing well. I am so very thankful. Well, now enter Mom.......
I have listened to her, she has the same sort of abandonment that I had when I was her age (minus the drinking which is even better). She can laugh, from her heart, she sings around the house and dances where ever and when ever she can. She is just starting to find her hearts joy on a personal level.
I have found that now that it isn't me, I want to help her find her hearts desire. The fairy tale.
I want her to dance alone in a room while the music plays. I want her to dance with a BUNCH of people when she goes out, and to dance just as hard while she is out as when she is home. I want her to laugh at the silly things she does everyday, (because we ALL do silly things everyday). I want her to feel the freedom of laughing till you cry, gasp, eyes water.
When my kids were younger, they would start laughing at things, and they would get to the point where they couldn't stop, and they would laugh harder when they tried to stop, and it would be so infectious that we would all get the giggles for hours, ad it felt WONDERFUL.

I want the fairy tale for her. I have been looking at friends, and friends kids to see if there is a fairy tale here for my daughter so she can have the same recklessness I did.

So...now I find myself in an unusual place....Matchmaker? I can only laugh, it feels so strange to be her3e, but I realized that is what I have been doing. I have been encouraging to go out. With a BUNCH of guys. I feel like a pimp! I want her to look at a variety of guys, to look to see what she likes and doesn't like. I want her to adopt the idea I had before I met my husband. At some point, I realized there were guys out there, who would take you places I couldn't afford to go. I found out these guys would ....open my door, feed me steak or whatever I wanted to eat, they would take me to concerts, fairs, movies, and a varitable cornacopia of places...OH and they never got anything but my friendship. Yeah ok maybe I was just a little bit of a user. Ok but if they were expecting something...then they were users too.

I want my daughter to have those things though. So I have been looking for those things to lead my daughter this way and that, to go here and try that. DOes that make me my daughters Madam? Oh just a Mom.
Either way, I have finally had to admit that I am an OLD MARRIED woman. So I guess that would mean that I am old, married, a user, a pimp, a madam, a friend to my child ( who is in her late twenties).

So now that I have admitted ALL ( yeah right) improper behavior and old age. I will let you comment on what YOU want. For yourself, Your kids, Your family. Admit the fun stuff though.
Cause we all want to rich, good looking, and healthy!

My own little garden?

2008-08-04T07:02:00.000-07:00

Even though I was born and raised a "city" girl, all I ever longed for was a litle garden of my own. I would, as a child plant dandelions in the yard because, just like most children do at one point or another, I thought they were they moest BEUATIFULIST flower in the world. Now of course we don't want to through stones, but can you imagine what Mother said? Phew!
Later, we moved to the "country". I was so excited that I had somewhere I could actually breathe and run, I was six when we moved. Once again, the thought of flowes and a garden of my own permeated my thoughts, till....I found out my mother (who was a born and bred city girl), not only had no desire, but the lack of garden knowledge to undertake it.

Fast Forward Twenty Years

I moved to the appalachian area. I had had enough of city and urban living. My kids didn't do well, I couldn't afford being a single parent. So me and the Uhaul came to an agreement, I drive you carry! I lived in the hills of Appalachia.
I brought up my children there and then I was, well how can I express this, fortunate enough to meet and marry a local?
I did get my garden though, one half acre of garden. I didn't know before I was going to have to feed seven children and at least two adults out of it for the whole year. ACK! Now I have explained tha$ my other wasn't actually a garden enthusiast, There wasn't a real examle to follow on "how to." Well, by hooks and crooks I managed not only to grow an outstanding gorgeous garden, but I did feed us all. Good thing, the loving local never tried!

Fast forward ten years

I returned to the city, where I met and married another man, (my current husband). Once again we had no place for the garden, but I did manage to squek out a few flowers, and there were no dandelions this time!
We made another agreement with the stupid Uhaul truck one more time and it for some reason here in Indiana. I do have my garden now, no we don't have to survive off of it. I do grow strawberries, YUMMMMMM. We have also managed a few dwarf fruit trees. Flowers are everywhere and now I am almost addicted each year to the tons of plant mags I get from EVERYWHERE. I piddle now. I am not mandatory to do anything to it. I am not terrified I will not have food for the year, only my treats!

I have to admit though, my little garden now is only about twenty foot by seventy foot. Not huge, yet this garden has something the other didn't have in it. It seeme that in my "little" garden, peace grows. Weeds do as well, but they are not the threat they used to be, just a small nuisance.
So when I want to find an escape, I go to my own little place in the garden. I love it.

Maybe I need to write a book about "adventures in Landscaping"

2008-07-31T00:16:00.000-07:00

A guide to the disabled and plantings?

That would be funny. Maybe throw in some funny caricatures! pics of me and the teens all examining the 20 tons of dirt and then climbing on top? I could feature a section on "how to shovel and ONLY be in bed for 3 days" Then I could give people advice in how to make the best of a little space and still have fruit trees and strawberries.
I think I would write a chapter on the correct way to slide down the row of strawberries and de-weed them while not showing your rear end to everyone. My neighbor thinks I have all the "tricks" to using tools, maybe I would write a section on that/
I would write this book and then submit it to the HGTV guys and get my own show.
Oh, I KNOW

I would write about the virtues of planting green, that's a "hot" topic. Add a part on how to suffer Heat exhaustion, and survive!
Maybe I could write this book... except...
I am surviving heat exhaustion, and have been in bed for more than three days. I can't hardly move this week cause the weather and the landscaping has gotten the best of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Triple degree Faux-pa! OOPS!

2008-07-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been mentioning my "Adventures in Landscaping"! Well, what haven't mentioned is all the weeding I HAVEN'T been doing. So, being me, yesterday I decided to clean out the strawberry bed! I did forget to get the weather report and fancied right out the door. 5 hours later, I had a hard time understanding why I felt light headed and exhausted? DUH! The weatherman informed me of the 100 plus degree heat index.
That's OK, little by little, I am chipping away at the back yard. I just have approximately 20 tons of various substances out of the backyard and into "other" areas! No problem. Being "superwoman", I should be able to achieve this by ...Oh tomorrow night! Yeah, Right!
There actually has been a considerable amount achieved, like the graveyard for my beloved lost pets is done. A drainage ditch is dug. One half of a small gravel pile is moved. Most of the strawberries are cleaned out. Flowers and bushes have been planted. Not bad for an old girl and some much appreciated help from a teenager!

I believe I shoveled myself into a hole!

2008-07-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

Well, yes we worked and worked on the landscaping, and Oh My Goodness. less than 4 hours later I wasn''t walking and have just managed to wiggle out of bed! An amazing amount of work was done. S. and I sat down, made an unacheivable list of things (19 items), I am amazed that all but six were finished ! Yea, I think S. and I are a SUPERTEAM.
Unfortunately, I am not sure how long it is going to take to get me up and at em'. but I am sure we will be able to work better than the guys !!!! lol

shovel, shove, poke and plant

2008-07-10T21:30:00.000-07:00

Wow what a day. With Well, S. and I worked and worked outside today till both of us are ready to drop. But this being the fact that we shoveled about 2 tons of soil, and planted 40 potted vines on the edge of the new retaining wall, we also transplanted 2 trees, 4 potted bushes and just worked ourself to death. Now being that my health stinks, you should get an idea how much my young friend has done.

I believe that the best part of the day is that through all that we did today...We laughed and joked ALL DAY LONG! I love this kid. She is an ispiring young lady. She is one of those kids that gives kids a GREAT name!

Thank M and D, loaning me your kids has made not only my life easier, but so much brighter. I love S. and her big brother K.

rattle, rattle, rattle, bang, bang, boom, boom boom boom!

2008-06-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

Well, we took our car in for some seriously LONG overdue maintenance on Tuesday when we got back from the party. Ok, lets see, there was the oil change, transmission fluid change, brake pads, rotors, fix the oil leak around the gasget, and as if this wasn't enough... let's charge the a/c!

chaaaa....ching!

Well, we picked up the car....drove a little way, and the car that has been sooo very faithful, figured out it was Finally it's turn to be taken care of. SOOOOOO, Cabluie! Now the A/c compressor has went out and leaked oil ALL over the engine. Then as IF this wasn't enough, the belt went flying off, and ALL the lights lite up on the dash, temperature went to the top and the powersteering started to seize.

NOW the good news. We were a few blocks from the shop who had worked on the car and it limped into the place...then they did all they could do take it right in and do whatever they could to fix it...BUT...Nope no such luck.

They did give us a loaner car for free as well as are doing all they can to do what they can to help us out. I could be upset, but I am too busy thanking GOD for the blessings. If we had taken the car on the trip this weekend then we could have been stuck WAY far away from home. If it had been six months ago... we could have been walking because of lack of funding to fix it, so for now....These things didn't happen. So life's little glitch gave us a break. Thank goodness.

Talked to a couple of friends today and even though some are struggling with health, car trouble and other issues...Only one person has had problems truly terrible news for the Friday the Thirteenth.

I haven't had very much to complain terribly about. I have a great KID staying with me still. Though I cannot been able to talk Her parents into seriously leaving her here! It would be so wonderful. This girl has been a joy. There hasn't been anything she has been asked she hasn't done, There really isn't anything I wouldn't do for her in return. She has honestly has stolen my heart. It has been a kick in the butt! I so enjoyed being a parent when my kids were teens, even when my eldest had problems. They taught me so much, we always had a lot of fun and having this girl here for however long they'll let me keep her, I will gladly take!

I guess I am going to have to go to court and appeal to the courts for freind? visitation? do they do that? Teasingly, we have told her for her birthday we are buying her bedroom furniture for here! She just laughed! (The teenager)
It took a little explaination to Dad to explain that Kids ALWAYS mind someone else. Has anyone ever noticed that? Though, I so enjoyed my children, don't get me wrong...THEY drove me BATTY sometimes. They always were on their best behavior for someone else. Never fails.

The truth is though, that between the children of my own I raised, the children of close family I helped raise, my step-children as well as the throw-aways and the vollunteer time at the schools, I've had a hand in quite a few childrens lives as well as they in mine.
I honestly can say, they have taught me far more than I them though. I have enjoyed them far more than they me. The memories, lessons in life, struggles and the ability to bounce back has been far more given to me than the otherway around.

Well, so for my declaration for Friday the 13th, I just have LOTS and LOTS to be grateful for.

Oh boy Banana found a new way to BRIBE!

2008-06-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

Well, as I stated yesterday, I went birthday partying this weekend. My grandson, who has ALWAYS been fascinated with trains made a new request this year of us. No, it wasn't Thomas the train...GASP! It was something I'd never heard of. Having a daughter who is VERY in touch with the needs of her son and what we refer to fondly as "just being Caleb", otherwise known as sensory issues, helps.

I get a call a week before the party and my daughter says, "Mom, Caleb wants something different this year!" My, lovely grandson wanted something called a Quadrilla. OK? what is it, what does it do, and then...how much? Of course she didn't give me the rest of the info, but then by virtue of the Internet who couldn't find out about it.

Yep, Banana went and hit the Google button and WA...la there is was. On a site that sells (no Less) toys for autistic and learning impaired children. Alright, good for the grand baby...I'm sold.

This year has been both horrible and blessed at the same time , so we were able to order the larger of the sets. They are expandable at that, so all the better for Caleb. So I order it on line, get my confirmation email and OOOOPS it takes 2-3 weeks for delivery. Ok we are now it Panic mode. I quickly fire off an email to the company, Sensory Edge, and explain my dilemma. Now we all KNOW, the Internet has that impersonal aspect when dealing with companies. Amazingly enough, I received an email very shortly, they said they would do their best to help me out. Further more I received 3 more emails from this company and they did just THAT. I had the gift 4 days after I ordered it! I truly was amazed and GRATEFUL!

Now back to the Quadrilla. My daughter saved it for the last gift, because it was huge! When Caleb opened it up, Oh My Goodness! did we ever get hugs, ( something he seldom shares).

The Quadrilla set itself< class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Kudos. Caleb packed it off to his other grandparents for another party and it was a hit there as well, not only for him but for every child there. Then it was packed away and easily sent back to home. I am impressed and would say that ANYONE with children should at least check it out.
As well as the company I got it from, Sensory Edge. They are truly customer oriented.

Ok that's my rant.

BTW...Caleb hasn't stopped playing with his toy and tells me about it when we talk on the phone as well, Banana made some REAL brownie points!

what a week!

2008-06-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. Welcome to the flood zone! I would relate terrible stories of the water rising and the things going on here yet, we were gone all weekend and the only excitement water wise here is the army going by occasionally and a few road closed signs. Bicknell in currently under a boil advisary for an indeterminite time but other than that, not much other here.

The town north of us a few miles has had considerable flooding and the damage (according to the news and grapevine) is extensive.

Why weren't we home? We ventured south to Kentucky to shared our grandsons fifth birthday! Woo Hoo! He is such a cutey, and he loves his Pappy ( my husband) and his Banana ( He couldn't call me nana when he was younger and it stuck!). We unfortunately get down to see him very often due to the fact of he lives. Everytime we go though, it is an adventure. He is adorable, as any well meaning loving grandparent would think. He has had a few hard days lately, they are pretty sure the Asbergers autism is a comfirmed diagonosis. So the little guy has a time at doing and getting along to things some other kids wouldn't have a problem with. BUT I must say, if your going to have an issue like Autism, it is best to have his mother and father for parents. My daughter is a special education teacher and his father is a high school teacher as well. they were prepared for this before the thought was formulated.
Well for the childs birthday, since he has since he was able to recognize thing has had a passion for trains. So Mom and Dad rented the caboose to a scenic train for the party, HOW cool is that! Well, cool in the term of a kid is about right, no one knew it was going to be 96 degrees in the shade and that the caboose had a few small windows and no A/C! We were all miserable, hot, and soaking wet with sweat. I am SOOOO glad I didn't miss it! Isn't that very gandparently of me.
There were lots of doating adults, plenty of childhood best friends for him, so all was well.
As we were leaving, because we weren't familair with the area, we took a wrong turn. ended up taking our own "scenic" route through the woods, and after suffering the heat and humidity, we ended up at Cumberland Falls! We stopped and enjoyed the scenery for about an hour , took the normal tourist pics , visited the gift shop for the normal, useless, "we were here" stuff, and went on our way.
It was a great break, and pleasantly cool there. It hit us at this point it was the first time we had EVER went anywhere and weren't worrie dto death about something. We just enjoyed the moment. Of course Our daughter was worried at where we had gone off to, and when we finally contaced her it was late, late at night. She has turned into the worlds worse worrywart! Things are seriously reversed there huh?
Well, we still have one of the kids here, she stayed to watch the house for us while we went south, and now her family is sick and it really is best she stay here till all are well ther. ALTHOUGH....It would be fine with us if she just stay for the summer!

HINT, HINT HINT MOLLY! She is just wonderful. Reminds me how much I miss having kids around.

well i've been plenty long winded today and I hope to start catching up to my blogs and writing soon. Sorry for the delay!

Lifes Little Spins

2008-05-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, By the Good Graces, we have been able to do some things we have been LONG been waiting to do around our home. THEN, we have been blessed with friends who have wonderful offered and freely helped us with the help my husband and I have needed.

THEN as if this weren't enough we've been lucky enough on top of ALL this to be LOANED their children!!!! WONDERFUL kids. I can only count my blessing and be grateful at this point in time. I find that I am surrounded by friends and loved ones.
There have been so many dark days in the recent past all this is overwhelming. Many times I find that I am physically unable to do so many of the things I want to do. Ten years ago I would have been right in the middle of the melay...happily at that. Due to time and issues I find myself..."supervising"? shall we say. Oh I believe this is one of the hardest thing in the world for me to do, to sit on the sidelines and not kick into the mix. Then I find the gifts freely given by my friends,

and I am humbled.

Thank You, and I love you all beyond the ability of my vocabulary.

My Dad

2008-05-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

I was adopted by my "father" when I was six months old which lasted about two years until my mother divorced him. I also remember getting presents from him for a number of years then I looked him up when I was thirteen, there was such a chill in the air.
I meet my biological father when I was twenty-four, to not only find him an alcoholic, but an idiot as well. Now that I'm forty-eight, we have only gotten together few times, yet, we don't actually feel that parent-child click, if you know what I MEAN.
When I was five, my mother met Charlie, they dated for years and years. He was there almost evenings. They finally married when I was 13, yet he was always around anyway.
He taught me how to fish, fix cars and do plumbing. He worked in a factory as a maintenance foreman. I remember as a kid, they would have to order special tools to work on the machinery at his factory, he would sneak it home so as to share it with me. Some of the tools were three foot long! Charlie was my "Dad". There were so many things he showed me growing up. Charlie taught me how to shuck corn, cut grass the right way, make a bed so tight a quarter would bounce off it ( if the quarter bounced I got to keep it!)
We were really quite poor growing up, we didn't always have running water or an inside bathroom. I specifically remember though that Charlie would bring one eight pack of bottle pop to the house each week. There were enough pops so that each of us could have two.
He bought a pogo stick for me and made stilts for me to walk on. We had a little cement patio outside the back door and he and I would play on both for more than an hour a night. When I got too big for the stilts ( I was a very tall young woman at the age of ten) he made me a taller pair.
Charlie is getting up there in age, and he and my mother divorced many, many years ago.
We still talk though. He is still my Dad. He lives a couple of states away, when possible I'm able to go see him.
It broke my heart when this little old man, greyed thinned hair, came bent towards me at church. Yes, he was married before and had children with his ex-wife (who he remarried after mom and him divorced), Yet he was still is the man who my dad is. I never called him Dad. I always called him Charlie.
I always minded him as well. In the whole time I was growing up, Charlie never laid a hand on me. If he were displeased all he had to do was to clear his throat and I was on the run. I remember of two times he actually raised his voice to me, I also felt the heat from his words, buddy I chopped to! I also deserved much more those times than a raised voice.
There have been a ton of things he's taught me over the years. Not only did he teach me how to be a mechanic, a farmer, a housekeeper,and how to can foods. He taught me how to be a good person, how to love without the link of bloodlines, he showed me how to love God with grace and faith and be a good christian. He taught me how a real Dad acts, how they love and behave. Charlie showed me how to be a good person, a good parent, and a good child.
Charlie was and is a good MAN. I remember one time I was in the emergency room. I was having complications from a hysterectomy. He sat there tears quietly coming down his face, holding my hand and telling me about God. I hadn't taken the Lord into my heart and he pleaded with me. I don't ever remember him doing that again.
As a single parent I relied on my mother and Charlie to watch my children while I worked. He gladly watched "HIS grand babies". He taught them many of the lessons he taught me as a child. There were things they got from him as well,I didn't. Charlie taught my kids to tie their shoes, how to comb their hair before school and he taught them how to pray. I love my dad so much I named my first son after him. He cried that day as well.
To this day he will fight you over his grand kids, all of them.

He showed me LOVE.

I just wanted to share some of the things that one person can do. In spite of all the things that have happened in my life, I really feel like the luckiest person in the world. I was biologically created by a donor, I was adopted on paper, then I was really adopted, by the best Dad in the world.

Sadness, and yet another terrible loss

2008-05-10T04:57:00.002-07:00

There is a time for everyone to die. That is inevitable. Who and what this person is to us truly is the difference.

Once again I have had a loss in my life. A woman, whom with No reason to be kind to me, has shared not only her life but her death. Both were significant.

Dorothy was the wife of my step-father. They were married after my mother and Charlie were divorced. She welcomed me, and offered not only her lived but her motherliness. Often, she would look at me and say, "You know, I am your other mother." Never stated as a question, always as a statement. She embraced myself and my children and grand-children in the same way, with unconditional love.
Growing up with her children, (which is another story for another time), my family was as accepted into their family as if we were just late at getting to the family instead of being born there.
Charlie, whom I have written before, is the only man I have known as a Real father.

With deep, heart wrenching sorrow, Dorothy passed on to be with the Lord yesterday. Two days before Mothers day she was called home. Encircled by her family and loved ones, She left with grace and dignity.
Once again I found that; my step-father not only how to live:but he also taught me how I needed to say good-bye to someone you love.

I am not sure now , just how long we will have Charlie with us, the grief for him is great. I just pray, when his time comes I can be as dignified as he was yesterday.
I ask that those who read this, keep him in their heart and prayers. Both Charlie and Dorothy are loved and cherished.
Dorothy will be terribly missed.

Give the Lord a hug for me Dorothy.

sadness

2008-05-10T04:57:00.001-07:00

Ok. I must be Getting so much older!

2008-05-09T04:00:00.000-07:00

I dye my hair, not so much because its a cool color. I look for shoes with good arches, (yeah this one hurts to admit), Instead of worrying about how a guy will see me in an outfit, I worry I will see me in the outfit. ok, I'm older. NOT OLD though.

Gone south for the WINTER?

2008-05-09T00:23:00.000-07:00

well, it sounds good. for those close around me they know that once again that tragedy is sticking in my family. my step-mother is passing away. I've come to be with her and to spend the Mothers' day weekend with my daughter and her son. so no I haven't gone crazy with the whole winter thing....just south.

Years Ago I used to say and think, "It can't get any worse."

2008-05-01T18:50:00.001-07:00

Now that can tell you how FOOLISH I was in my youth! NOW, I'm afraid to utter the words. Miss Molly and I were planning on an adventure. A real ONE! An adventure where there weren't children, husbands (especially sick ones), no doctors, nursing homes, funeral homes, just here and I off to see Kelly.
Honestly, I was so excited. I thought not only am I going to have a GREAT time with Molly, but I was going to meet Kelly as well. Since I am in the process of getting my own writing seriously underway (Yeah I know you all heard that from me before), I might get a little hint at what my future will look like (Yeah, If I'm Lucky!). OK.

I go to bed early, set the alarm for 5:30 am, (it was going to be a long drive), and then we were off for the morning with the help of my dogs next to me in bed and the sedative in my belly to calm the excitement!
I get up right on time. get the clothes ready, yell at the hubby to empty the car whilst I shower...

Yeah then my life and reality comes CRASHING DOWN! No, nothing fell, (I even kept my footing in the shower), but reality has a way of making things inexplicably difficult and NASTY, if you don't believe me check out Molly's blog (the link is to the right).
John , my husband, goes out to the car and begins the task of removing items from the car when he notices....

the car leaning,

not a little and in an unusual way. He walks around the car, (according to him) and sees that one of the tires is not holding air on one side, (according to him). Yeah, that's right boys and girls, I have a FLAT! Not only do I have a flat tire, but I only have one of those ever so appropriately named "donuts" for a spare. GRRRRRRR!
So , John comes in and tells me of the situation. He also tells me the place that fixes our tires, in the VERY small town I'm in doesn't open until 9 a.m. That was it, the heart dropped, the frustration/confusion and finally my temper all GO THROUGH THE ROOF. I went outside after a few minutes and checked the tire and what do I see...I gouge out of the sidewall. Nope sure couldn't be one of those flats where you could run over to the convenient store and buy "Fix-a-Flat" now could it.
Hubby, honey, hit the curb last night when we came back home, and neither of us thought much about it, But "HONEY!" punched a hole in the side! Yeah I guess I could cut him some slack...But not today.
Do to what I was felling at the time, (anger, frustration, and embarrassment) John calls Miss Molly and informs her what is going on. SO we hold out the hope the garage will hurry.

THEN...

I remember it is my life we're talking about. Well, mine and Molly's lives, which both concurrently have had the honor of having the worst time and luck on Earth lately. I have to tell you, as far as Molly goes, if none of you know it, She's a saint. REALLY! Things she does for others, when no one is looking, both her and her family. The understanding, love, support, and any other good thing one can say about them really is true. I've known them for quite a bit now, up close and personal.

Well, after the guy comes takes my tire off, I go with him, (silently hoping this will put a burner under him). Verbally, I reminded him I had an appointment. So never mind he came late, took forever and THEN KEPT LEAVING ME THERE TO DO OTHER RUNS, before taking me back to the car.
Eventually, I just had him drop me off at the house, with MY TIRE. I wasn't going to wait for him to make the next run before he could put my wheel back on like he asked, JUST DROP US (meaning, me and my tire) OFF!
I put the damn thing on myself. It was late, too late to try to make the book signing. TOO late to spend time with Molly, too late to be away, TOO LATE FOR ANY THING FOR ANYONE! I called Molly and we talked a while and yes she was understanding.
It seems what looked like a gash , in truth was a gouge. It has some scratches around it, but it was small enough that we didn't notice it when we got out of the car last night and by the time we did it was TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sorry, Molly. I am also sorry Kelly. It, once again was my fault. Molly being the person she is has admonished me over my own self persecution, But that's because she is a sweetheart, with the true heart of gold.
Once again, I have let her down and I am not sure why she is still talking to me. And as for you molly, Please don't tell me to get over it again.

A TALE OF TERROR!

2008-04-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, three days can be the making of terror. As I have spoken of my husbands health as well as my own, it has been an interesting ride shall we say.

I have forever been the "CAREGIVER", the one who said "I can do it because someone has to." I did stuff because I felt I had to, that this is what I was meant to do. AS Johns health has declined, I have begun to pick up the slack. ALL the slack, including doing things a normaly, healthy person would have felt stress and fatigue over. Never being one of those individuals who understood limitations, (someone forgot to tell meI didn't wear a cap and could fly) I have overdone it. I have found my own terror at my own making.

Terror in my world is NOT being able to do evrything I set out to do. ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO WAS TO GO TO A FRIENDS PARTY FOR HER SON.

Whamp...I gave out. Regardless of what I said to my body, my body said something different. We went, I gave out, we had to leave mid way through the party. My heart broke.

To My Dear Friend...I am sorry and I love you all.

Maybe I'll learn.

The newest thing running

2008-04-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

Running! well not literally, but that seems to be what I've been doing...till...I've RUN myself down! One of my dearest friends had a party for her sons confirmation. An event we have been planning on attending for quite a while.
We went, It was a GREAT party, but somewhere between the meal and the event, I felt the urge to pass out!With my own health issues at the back and Johns my primary concern, I have run myself into the ground. I got light headed, dizzy, started stumbling, and though I just told everyone I couldn't stay, I AM SURE THEY KNEW. They kept coming up and asking me if I were OK?...( as opposed to asking John).

Well all I can say is I hope they understand. I love them dearly and if had been possible I would have been there. I just don't think it would have looked too good if I had passed out during MASS!

The List Update.

If you read my last post you would know I am a Lister. I LIST EVERYTHING!
well I have decided that I am going to keep my list to a ten line max. (as opposed to the entire house list which is VERY comprehensive). After I complete my yen items then I should rest. Exhaustion is a bad thing for someone with health issues. Trust me I know.

R.C. AND THE GANG
Well, I'm pretty sure the transition is complete. When we say," Time for night, night." He bounds toward the bed and does his Rabbit imitation with the other two dogs. He stands in line now to get treats like the other two do and as for his interaction with the other two...Charlotte and him have found out that they can wrestle for hours! FROM ONE END OF THE HOUSE TO THE OTHER! I truly believe he feels at "home" now.

Hubby update

John had a new blood test and his blood is getting thinner, though it is still thin. He remains weak. We are starting to do our research and find out what is what as well as where we go from here. It seems there isn't much they can do for him. Not because of his size, but because of the enlargement of the left atrial. This is what is the problem. He is going to have to work at getting his strength back, but it looks like we're going to have to wait for his blood to work itself out first.
He is trying a little more each day, but he's not adventurous yet. Keep him in your thoughts.

Ok. Today we are running off a list!

2008-04-24T06:10:00.000-07:00

Todays Vent!

It seems like the only thing I have the ability to write lately are lists. Lists of things which need to be done, lists of people who HAVE to be called, Lists of people to go see (DOCTORS AND HOSPITALS).
With all these lists, I have managed to get things done around here, but I am finding out my LISTS are keeping me found writing words down as a sentence and not as a column!
I have been stressed as you could tell if you've been reading my blog lately. My lists have been the only way to reel in some of the chaos that has ensued lately. I was also reminded that PANICKING is not an effective way to handle things! I was told to own what is mine to do, remember to take care of myself, and to spend a GREAT amount of time getting puppy loves! Okay..I did that part, and yeah it was good for me.

R.C. UPDATE

Our little guy has adapted very well. HE'S GAINED 2 POUNDS!!!!!!!!! He has also started to play REALLY hard with toys on his own. Charlotte, who truly believes she is the queel bee, has met her match. lol R.C.was playing with a toy the other day and she wanted it. Typical for Charlotte she walked over and then went to take it from him...:) he growled, nipped at her. She backed off with the look of surprise and looked at me like, "Hey, did you see that. WHAT THE HELL was THAT?"

John Update

John went to the doctor and his blood had been thinned 5 times more than it was supposed to be. this has made him tired. The doctor is having him return to work in 1 month. He said this will only serve to prove that he REALLY can't return to work. He is struggling with this idea.
If you have ever had an injury, you'll understand that. It tends to make you evaluate your self worth.

Miss Molly and I are planning a trip in May that is going to be terribly exciting for me. The trip away is going to be great alone, but the exposure to all the great writers will help as well.

WELL I hear another List SCREAMING at Me!!!!!!!!!!!

A clue from a friend.

2008-04-21T21:43:00.001-07:00

I havebeen talking to friend lately about her psuedo-name. I have googled name and there seems tobe a jacqueline/jackie rogers who is an illustrator.

so I have been thinking and I am asking opinions about the name

J. Lynn Rogers as a psuedo-name. tell me what you think.

Todays Updates! Official wooooow

2008-04-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

We went to the doc. today. Got the hubby a blood test to check the PHEW, the last few days have been exhausting.

THEN...

We get the call from the doc. office saying "You NEED to get him to the hospital NOW!" Evidently when you get bloodthinners and doctors don't watch you can end up like him and have your blood 5 times thinner than it is supposed to be! go get a shot. oh well. We're preparing for the next battle. The doctor today said that they are going to try to send him back to work in a month. This is to just PROVE he can never RETURN to work. OKAY!
John sits and is trying to re-assess life. He is so weak and it frustrates him.

R.C. UPDATE!

R.C. is addapting well. when we got the little guy he only weighed 4 pounds. we weighed him last night and now he weighs 6 WOOOHOOO!
He has gotten so EXPECTS to be in either mine or my husbands lap. When we say, "Let's go night night!" He tears out toward the bedroom, jumps on the bed like a rabbit and just tears out across the bed like he has just won the lottery We have noticed he has allergies. We have to get things a little calmer here before we can adress this at the vets! He is SO cute though and now he shares blankets with the other dogs and they seem to think he is their baby!

He insists on being on my lap everytime I'm online. I am going to have to get a small table or a bigger LAP!

Insanity is still ruling but I am Going to make it yet ...

even if it kills

EVERYONE AROUND ME!

Ok I am trying something new!

2008-04-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

To say that the last few weeks alone have been stressful? Well that might be an understatement of fact. Though I have my own inabilities I have stepped up anad tried to handle business as best as I can. I am slightly loosing the battle due to lack of energy to begin with.
I was stopped the other day by a gentleman and asked to take a 3 day try of something called Healthy Chocolate. He claimed it would work on a various number of ailments, talked about the antioxidents and flavanoids in it and said it might help me.

So I am on day 3. I can't honestly say that in 3 days it will make the blind to see but...It has helped in many respects. I think I will continue to try it. Heck it's chocolate, how bad can that BE?

As for John he is so very weak. He's also getting VERY grumpy because he is weak. He has found himself in a catch 22 situation. Things need to be done and he HAS to sit and be a spectator. He has to my anul retentive ways and that isn't helping either. I have a certain format to doing everything, he doesn't. oh well maybe he will learn a few things! lOL

Our support system is great albeit mostly far away. Those close are shall we say overwhelmed themselves? Family life as we all know does tend to do this. Bless their hearts, John and I both know if we asked they would do their very best to stop their own lifes and try to come fix ours! Molly and her "D", being the first ones to arrive with their band of wonderful offspring, to jump in and do whatever they thought would be needed. WE LOVE YOU GUYS SO!

Molly and I are conversing about a trip to cincy later this year and if the stars are right and the winds doesn't blow and the earth doesn't SHAKE US ALL FROM OUR HOMES,(yes that WAS interesting). We shall attend. Being from the area I know all the nooks and crannies to find a place to stay.

Well laundry calls as well as the birds, Who I might add are now laying and sitting eggs! :)

HUGS from my personnal insanity. Please post any suggestions for "How to regain your life" no suggestions will be dismissed BELIEVE ME!

John is Home But...

2008-04-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

He is so tired. It is frightening. As for insensitive doctors I believe we've found the worst! Knowledge is NOT a trade for sensitivitiy, personality, and professional respect.
We've decided that the next time he has even a quirk... we're headed to Indianapolis. We're hoping professionalism will be better there. One thing we ARE finding is HOW many true friends we have and sre there for our support, as well to aid us in a time a need. It has been overwhelming.

Hugs to all.

Glory be, John made it home!

2008-04-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

Well, by the Grace of the Lord, John IS home. I have a lot of people to thank for being there in the last week of our lives. For the longest time we felt as if we were living on an island. It just seemed to feel that there wasn't anyone around to help.
As we fought with the nursing home, struggled with the health issues of "The Aunt", my health, and the terrifying event of my husbands heart issues we have found to count our blessings, AND the amount of our supporters.
There were people who seemed to come out of the woodwork! The friendship and love we have recieved from friends, family and neighbors has overwhelmed us. Our thanks goes out to you.
YOU HAVE MY HEARTFUL THANKS!

Who said anything about EXHAUSTION! I don't have time

2008-04-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

Well, JOhn has been down graded from Critical care, to Intermediate care. Some doctors are just cruel. He is going to take a while to recover. Lots of medicine, lots of rest and rehab, but... He is still here.
As if things weren't crazy enough and going through the funeral wasn't hard and watching my husband suffer, Some docs, just don't get it. The cardiologist came in today and the first words out of his mouth were about John's weight. AS if his first remarks weren't enough ( and trust me they WERE) He continued to barage my husband with insult to injury. Comments about how he couldn't and wouldn't do this and that. Then the words..."fat", "Bulk", "Too Big", as well as many other nasty, horible words came out of his mouth. My husband whose heart has flittered and fluttered, went from just finally getting normal, (in the 80's) SCREAMING back up into the 120's and VERY eradic. I wanted to knock the pr___ out!
Oh well. You get what you paid for and thi guy actually refered to us as the "worse of the worst" yeah right. DIgnity my butt.
Everyone is going to have to forgive the typos. Between a long time of care giving for "the Aunt", my own health issues, mney , the funeral, family worries, home repair gone TERRIBLY wrong, and John being ill. I'm just plain tuckered! I is typin' as fast as my fingers will go!
I laid down for a little while last night and that was my first mistake, the second was believing I would get up to it. HA! several hours later I awoke bolt upright to the floor from a lying down position realizing what I'd done. Oh man . All I could do was to scold myself all the way back to the hospital telling myself how I don't have time for exhaustion.

R.C. UPDATE!

Well the little guy didn't really get here at the best time for adjustment. He is doing a fine job of it though. He is as sweet as they come and my husband was tearing up at the hospital because he was missing out on these bonding moments, but he'll have PLENTY of time later. R.C. has found that he can lay just right on my chest at night and sleep. considering the side of "mommy" are taken by the other bed hogs it'sa a good thing he choose there!
He's already addapted to CHarlotte (the red dog next to me in picture), they think the inside of the house is a race track! Willy and him are having a great time trying to permanantly identify with each others rear end! One would think they would have gotten it right by now...but obviously not.

well will write more tomorrow. Keep prying...It's working

R.C. & ME!

2008-04-13T20:20:00.001-07:00

sorrow and relief

2008-04-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

It has been a hard few days, but she doesn't hurt anymore. It is af if she had her hand in finding our new little man...R.C. Irene always wanted another small poodle to love and hold after "her" Linky had to be put to sleep. R.C. is just that little guy.
John is in the hospital. It was just to much. He has CHF. It isn't out of the words, but he is getting better.
Keep us in your prayers.

He and Irene

2008-04-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

HE AND IRENE

HE swept me in HIS arms,
My Loving Lord and Savior.
HE held me oh so close,
HIS love changed my behavior.

No longer am I worried,
About petty little things.
No longer am I upset,
With the heartache life brings.

The death of my husband,
And the ones I love so much.
They all came to greet me,
They gave me GODS loving,
Unconditional touch.

Don’t worry now; I don’t hurt at all,
JESUS made me well.
Don’t worry all,
I love more than words.

I can’t believe my blessings,
There are even Angels around me here.
It reminds me of all of you,
And how you, my angels, surrounded,
Me
There.

LIfe changes in a blink!

2008-01-20T00:30:00.000-08:00

AHHHHH!

There are small towns which dot the us which are as small as a dot. I should KNOW I have lived in a few and driven through many more. My town boasts the grand population of less than 3000. A dot in other words.
I am sure that many of us have also heard the phrase when going through a town this size, "Don't blink. You'll miss it!

There are times here lately that is the way I feel about my life!

Don't blink you'll miss the next thing coming down the road. Whether it is a computer glitch, an ailing relative, an ailment, a disagreement, or a financial FOO PAW!

For whichever it is that seems to be going through the neighborhood ...well we have seen it here lately, but...
despite all the issues which have come gone still visiting, I am back online and maybe a little better for the blog pause.

So I say greeting to those who have been here and found me not and those who still stop by.

Hopefully, in the future I will be able to present a better view, though I still write on the darker side while no one is looking! ha ha ha!

computer is down

2007-11-03T21:00:00.001-07:00

sorry for the time being i am having computer issues. i will be unable to write for a while

BANG, BANG, SCREEEEECH....

2007-10-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

So is the life of renovations. Where I was SO excited before...I now have a MONSTROUS headache.

We have been both (my husband and I) lucky and unlucky in the fact we are to handy and capable with tools and to unsatisfied with others work that we would drive a contractor to madness with our constant monitoring of their work.

Alright, admission time

I am a perfectionist. at least where the way the house should look, how it should be decorated and such. I WANT CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been planning this renovation since we got the house 3 yrs ago. We have this lovely old house, built in 1910, with beautiful woodwork , unfortunately someone covered almost everything up with ugly carpet, low lighting, ugly cabinets, and DARK, DARK paneling!

So I have meticulously planned everything out.
Well except the banging, the excess material laying around after its been removed, and of course...My husband not completing the job as quickly as I want! HUM I help some but I LIKE to consider myself supervisory, IS THAT A problem?

but enough of this.

You should check out Amarinda's blog today she had a MOMENT the other day.
So is Molly.
Check everyone else out while your at it there are some interesting stories and theories floating around.

Later on this afternoon (hopefully), I will be posting on my website some interesting tale as well. So go have at it.

Jackie

2007-10-05T22:55:00.001-07:00

A scream in the night wakes one of the neighbors. They wonder was that a cat, was it a person, what was that? A dog started barking somewhere as a car screeched its tires. They passed off the sound as the fool who just left $100.00 of rubber on the road.

SANDY

He hit her, this time really hard, across the right cheek.
Her teeth went flying out of her head. The blood tastes salty and starts dripping on the floor. Sandy can’t help the tears, they’re automatic. She looks at her 10 year old daughter and screams. “RUN!” The horror of seeing her child held down that way, by HIM, OH God not HIM! Her own husband, Pat was naked; pinning her half naked daughter down as her daughter whimpered.
“CRISSY, RUN! RUN NOW!”
Crissy froze, tears running down her face. She looked down on the bed below and realized there was blood on it. She didn’t quite understand where it came from; Crissy only knew she was hurt and her step-dad had been the one who done it.
Sandy’s mind blurred as the next blow came down from her husband. She felt the pain from the blow, then somewhere in her mind it registered that Crissy had brushed passed her. Crissy had nothing on but the blood stains on her rear end. Sandy’s thoughts raced, “was she imagining it?”, “what was that she just saw?” As Sandy tried to get up from the position she was in, she found herself hurting physically and mentally. The thought of Pat molesting Crissy, the sight of what Pat, her husband, was doing to her daughter was almost implausible.
Suddenly Pat hit Sandy above the eye and her mind started spinning, confusion and incomprehension started taking over. Sandy didn’t understand why he was hitting her? Where was Crissy now?
With the next blow to the back of her head Sandy started to throw-up. Pat bent down and started to growl in her ear…,”Bitch”. He kicked her, moving her a good six inches and causing her to fall on her side, crying. Everything was scrambled, her thoughts, the visions in her head, the nausea now demanded attention and she was confused even more. Loud alarms were going off in her head and with the next stabbing pain she had, her last thoughts were of Crissy. She blacked out as the next blow to her head made contact.

CRISSY

Crissy stood at the top of the porch stairs. She heard her mom scream and she moved one step back towards the door. “Mom?” It’s almost a whisper, she was afraid of what Pat would do to her again, but she was afraid for her mother as well.

“Mommy?” Crissy knew she couldn’t go back in, but she didn’t know where else to go. The lights are out on the street and there isn’t anyone around. Sounds like her mother throwing up came from the house and Crissy decided she had to hide. Mom had said she had to run and that is what she knew she had to do. Pat hurt her and she KNEW they had talked about this at school. Crissy started thinking if she could only go to school; she could tell Ms. Anderson. Crissy knew Ms. Anderson would help, tell her what to do, she’d be able to tell Crissy where she could go.

She looked around and saw the back yard. The woods were there, she thought “I can hide there. Mom will come get me.” It was scary, the animals will crawl on her and there might be bugs. Looking down the street and the awareness of loneliness and helplessness crept over the naked, bloody 10 year old body. She heard Pat’s steps in the house and that fear took over.
Crissy ran down the dark empty street screaming loud and long until her chest hurt. The only thing anyone could hear though was the slapping of bare feet on concrete and the shuffling of branches as she quickly ran and hid in some bushes. The bushes were next to the fence where the Christoffs have their dog. Crissy didn’t realize that she hadn’t made a sound.

Bruiser growls, then starts barking louder. He begins to go nuts, lunging, barking and snarling at the intruder to his territory. He’s growling meaner than Crissy has ever heard before. She’s always been afraid of him and the Christoffs have always warned her that he doesn’t like kids. Crissy prays, shivers and tries to shush the dog. Tears are rolling down her face as she hears the door slam at her house. She waits.
She wonders if he is coming and where her mother was? “Help. HELP ME! OH PLEASE SOMEONE, HELP!” She screams. Once again Crissy was screaming in her head and not out loud. She didn’t know, and no one heard her. She was screaming so loud in her head, she never heard the footsteps behind her

JOHN CRISTOFFS

John Christoffs was tired of hearing that blasted dog. “What was the problem?” As he looked out the window and noticed Bruiser was in the corner of the yard; serious about whatever was there. John called the police and loaded his shotgun. As he came out of the house and turned on the spotlight on the corner of the house. If someone was there, he hoped that would warn them! Caution and fear slows his steps and he hopes to himself the police come soon and that he really doesn’t want to shoot anyone. He raises his shotgun and fires a shot in the air.
Curled into a ball, cold, and aching from what had happened, she just kept her eyes closed only wishing the dog would be quiet and that Pat wouldn’t find her. Crissy didn’t notice the light.
John Christoffs saw something in the bush; it is really small and pail in color. The closer he gets and the more he yells at Bruiser he wonders “Is that a person?” He yells, “HEY! GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I called the poli…” Realization of what was in the corner, caused John’s voice to trail off, not sure of why there was a naked child in the bush. The figure in the bush screams at the firing of the gun, Bruiser ducks and runs off hiding somewhere in the back yard.
There shivering and screaming in the bush is a child. Horror runs over him as he runs to the figure and he realizes, who the kid is and why she might be naked! “OH My GOD!” he says when the little figure turns around and in a half cry, half whimper says, “Help me, please. Help my Mommy.” Shock and dismay grip him while somewhere in his mind he hears the sirens in the background.

Lights in the neighborhood start coming on as others on the street realize they heard something like a gun and now there are police sirens approaching. Curtains move away from their resting place as curiosity becomes overwhelming. The neighbors start grabbing robes and clothes to go outside to see what’s going on. There isn’t that much that goes on, on their street and this is too much to let go. As people start to come from their houses, they see John Christoffs standing in the corner of his property holding a gun; they all watch and listen as he barks orders to his wife and at that dog of his.

PAT

Pat’s stomach begins to fall. He heard the gun, he knows that Crissy has just caused him even more problems than her bitch mother. The police sirens makes him grind his teeth and his mind starts conceiving an excuse.
The thought of running is welling up and he plots out an escape route through the woods. He is wishing he had stayed with his old habit of being with the teasing little girls at the park. They all taunted him. They threw themselves at him. He never understood why they cried after they had been asking him for it.
Pat hit the backdoor running. The yard wasn’t that big and he cleared it and was in the woods in no time. Knowing that he had the keys in his pocket and Sandy’s hidden credit cards, he just knew he was going to be okay. He would get back here in a day or two. Meantime, Pat knew he could hide out at the men’s room at the park, it was never locked. The anger and rage was welling up, It drove him, as IT usually did; into that “dead calm” as Pat’s mother always called it.
The dark figure of a man with black jeans, unbuttoned shirt and shoes in hand was never noticed by anyone. Everyone was looking at the Christoffs house. Everyone noticed his wife bring out a blanket and cover someone. As the first officer stopped and left his car, they could see from the lights he pointed toward John, the little figure of a girl who appeared to have nothing but the blanket on. The people on their porches started to come closer now that it was safe. Meanwhile Pat knew it wasn’t over between him and them. He walked away through the woods as if nothing was wrong. There were more sirens in the background now. That little bitch, just like her mother was screaming for even more attention than HE, himself had just given her. It wasn’t over with any of them.

WIP The Dark One

2007-10-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

A scream in the night woke one of the neighbors. They wondered was that a cat, was it a person, just what was that? Somewhere a dog started barking as a car screeched its tires. They passed it off as the sound of a fool who just left $100.00 of rubber on the road.

SANDY

He hit her, this time really hard across the right cheek.
Her teeth went flying out of her head. The blood tasted salty and started dripping on the floor. Sandy cooun’t help the tears, they were automatic. She looked at her 10 year old daughter and screamed. “RUN!” The horror of seeing her child held down that way, by HIM, OH God not HIM! Her own husband, Pat was naked; pinning her half naked daughter down as her daughter whimpered.

“CRISSY, RUN! RUN NOW!”

Crissy froze, tears running down her face. She looked down on the bed below and realized there was blood on it. She didn’t quite understand where it came from; Crissy only knew she hurt and her step-dad had who done it.
Sandy’s mind blurred as the next blow came down from her husband. She felt the pain from the blow, then somewhere in her mind it registered that Crissy had brushed passed her. Crissy had nothing on but the blood stains on her rear end. Sandy’s thoughts raced, “was she imagining it?”, “what was that she just saw?” As Sandy tried to get up from the position she was in, she found herself hurting physically and mentally. The thought of Pat molesting Crissy, the sight of what Pat, her husband, was doing to her daughter was almost implausible.
Suddenly Pat hit Sandy above the eye and her mind started spinning, confusion and incomprehension started taking over. Sandy didn’t understand why he was hitting her? Where was Crissy now?
With the next blow to the back of her head Sandy started to throw-up. Pat bent down and growled in her ear…, "Bitch". He kicked her, moving her a good six inches and causing her to fall on her side, crying. Everything was scrambled, her thoughts, the visions in her head, the nausea now demanded attention and she was confused even more. Loud alarms were going off in her head and with the next stabbing pain she had, her last thoughts were of Crissy. She blacked out as the next blow to her head made contact.

CRISSY

Crissy stood at the top of the porch stairs. She heard her mom scream and she moved one step back towards the door. “Mom?” It’s almost a whisper, she was afraid of what Pat would do to her again, but she was afraid for her mother as well.
“Mommy?” Crissy knew she couldn’t go back in, but she didn’t know where else to go. The lights are out on the street and there isn’t anyone around. Sounds like her mother throwing up came from the house and Crissy decided she had to hide. Mom had said she had to run and that is what she knew she had to do. Pat hurt her and she KNEW they had talked about this at school. Crissy started thinking if she could only go to school; she could tell Ms. Anderson. Crissy knew Ms. Anderson would help, tell her what to do, she’d be able to tell Crissy where she could go.
She looked around and saw the back yard. The woods were there, she thought “I can hide there. Mom will come get me.” It was scary, the animals will crawl on her and there might be bugs. Looking down the street and the awareness of loneliness and helplessness crept over the naked, bloody 10 year old body. She heard Pat’s steps in the house and that fear took over.
Crissy ran down the dark empty street screaming loud and long until her chest hurt. The only thing anyone could hear though was the slapping of bare feet on concrete and the shuffling of branches as she quickly ran and hid in some bushes. The bushes were next to the fence where the Christoffs have their dog. Crissy didn’t realize that she hadn’t made a sound.
Bruiser growls, then starts barking louder. He begins to go nuts, lunging, barking and snarling at the intruder to his territory. He’s growling meaner than Crissy has ever heard before. She’s always been afraid of him and the Christoffs have always warned her that he doesn’t like kids. Crissy prays, shivers and tries to shush the dog. Tears are rolling down her face as she hears the door slam at her house. She waits.
She wonders if he is coming and where her mother was? “Help. HELP ME! OH PLEASE SOMEONE, HELP!” She screams. Once again Crissy was screaming in her head and not out loud. She didn’t know, and no one heard her. She was screaming so loud in her head, she never heard the footsteps behind her

JOHN CRISTOFFS

John Christoffs was tired of hearing that blasted dog. “What was the problem?” As he looked out the window and noticed Bruiser was in the corner of the yard; serious about whatever was there. John called the police and loaded his shotgun. As he came out of the house and turned on the spotlight on the corner of the house. If someone was there, he hoped that would warn them! Caution and fear slows his steps and he hopes to himself the police come soon and that he really doesn’t want to shoot anyone. He raises his shotgun and fires a shot in the air.
Curled into a ball, cold, and aching from what had happened, she just kept her eyes closed only wishing the dog would be quiet and that Pat wouldn’t find her. Crissy didn’t notice the light.
John Christoffs saw something in the bush; it is really small and pail in color. The closer he gets and the more he yells at Bruiser he wonders “Is that a person?” He yells, “HEY! GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I called the poli…” Realization of what was in the corner, caused John’s voice to trail off, not sure of why there was a naked child in the bush. The figure in the bush screams at the firing of the gun, Bruiser ducks and runs off hiding somewhere in the back yard.
There shivering and screaming in the bush is a child. Horror runs over him as he runs to the figure and he realizes, who the kid is and why she might be naked! “OH My GOD!” he says when the little figure turns around and in a half cry, half whimper says, “Help me, please. Help my Mommy.” Shock and dismay grip him while somewhere in his mind he hears the sirens in the background.
Lights in the neighborhood start coming on as others on the street realize they heard something like a gun and now there are police sirens approaching. Curtains move away from their resting place as curiosity becomes overwhelming. The neighbors start grabbing robes and clothes to go outside to see what’s going on. There isn’t that much that goes on, on their street and this is too much to let go. As people start to come from their houses, they see John Christoffs standing in the corner of his property holding a gun; they all watch and listen as he barks orders to his wife and at that dog of his.

PAT

Pat’s stomach begins to fall. He heard the gun, he knows that Crissy has just caused him even more problems than her bitch mother. The police sirens makes him grind his teeth and his mind starts conceiving an excuse.
The thought of running is welling up and he plots out an escape route through the woods. He is wishing he had stayed with his old habit of being with the teasing little girls at the park. They all taunted him. They threw themselves at him. He never understood why they cried after they had been asking him for it.
Pat hit the backdoor running. The yard wasn’t that big and he cleared it and was in the woods in no time. Knowing that he had the keys in his pocket and Sandy’s hidden credit cards, he just knew he was going to be okay. He would get back here in a day or two. Meantime, Pat knew he could hide out at the men’s room at the park, it was never locked. The anger and rage was welling up, It drove him, as IT usually did; into that “dead calm” as Pat’s mother always called it.
The dark figure of a man with black jeans, unbuttoned shirt and shoes in hand was never noticed by anyone. Everyone was looking at the Christoffs house. Everyone noticed his wife bring out a blanket and cover someone. As the first officer stopped and left his car, they could see from the lights he pointed toward John, the little figure of a girl who appeared to have nothing but the blanket on. The people on their porches started to come closer now that it was safe. Meanwhile Pat knew it wasn’t over between him and them. He walked away through the woods as if nothing was wrong. There were more sirens in the background now. That little bitch, just like her mother was screaming for even more attention than HE, himself had just given her. It wasn’t over with any of them.

tv triggered memories or betryals of bad dreams

2007-10-03T04:39:00.000-07:00

Well like most of us who watch television the other night I was watching a television show and of course as the title

My babies

2007-09-30T16:18:00.001-07:00

You know, I have reached an age where there are no children around. I have been unfortunate enough to have them miles upon miles from me. One would think that would be a terrible thing. Sometimes it is.
I've been blessed though. I have the true love of deep friendship all around me and for that I will forever be thankful. I also have been granted a time on this earth with some of the best companions (other than my husband). I have always had a connection to animals. As a child we almost always had pets, guard dogs,turtles, fish. Well you get the idea. We never had to pay for them because, then, just as it is now, there are plenty of animals out there just WAITING to be loved.
Currently I have 2 dogs, 1 cat, and 3 cockatiels. The dogs and the cat were all rescues. I know it would seem like they are all mortal enemies but if raised together they really don't know any better. I find that since my husband and I operate on different shifts, that no matter how many friends and phone calls one gets ,it can still be on the lonelier side. Well except for my animals.
I find that I am NEVER alone in the house or out in the yard as well. My animals, which are better known as my babies, keep me company everywhere I go. I am sure that if I were to put them in the car, as well, that would please them greatly too. I can't do this because the nature of my babies is unfortunatly is to bite. We have been working at trying to socialize them , but so far it has been to no avail.
That being said, I have those around me in my life who have no pets. They do not even want hem. Being the crusader that I am, I find this notion so hard to comprehend. I am not sure what life would be like without my babies in my life, and I am SURE I WILL TRY NOT TO FIND OUT AS WELL.

I would like to hear about you pet situation. DO you have pets? If so I would love to hear stories about them.

A Saga

2007-09-28T21:47:00.001-07:00

I''d like to introduce some of the players. Tell me what you think of them and any suggestions you might have. I reserve the right to add, ignore, or play with your suggestions! :) This is the beginning! These are the opening characters to a story of deprivations, horror, resilience, triumph, and love.

Pat (last name currently unknown) - White with dirty blond hair. He keeps a beard and mustache that are sculptured. His eyes are steel gray and at first when you look at them you believe that you are looking right into his soul. He is a pedophile. He is a repeat offender that is sadistic as well as murderous. He has never been caught. He has a sense of cunning and charm that most people believe in open and honest as opposed to his true nature. Later your realize once you've encountered Pats darker side that when you thought you were looking into his soul you were looking into an obis of hatred. Pat is thirtyish and married to Sandy. Step-dad to Crissy Sandy's daughter.

Sandy - Wife to Pat for four years. Widowed from Brian Caster. Mother of ten year old Crissy. Works at a restaurant in town called Renos. She as well is white, thirtyish, pale skin, short curly blond hair, with blue eyes and freckles. Sandy in totally unsuspecting of Pats problems nor his hidden menacing. She believes they are working toward a life together and that he is a great step-father.

Crissy Caster - Ten years old, with her mothers pale skin and short curly hair. She has green eyes, and is on the chubbier side of adolescence. She is unaware of the capability of Pat. She is innocent and loving, yet is a loner at school. Her best friend is her teacher Ms. Anderson.

Tanya Anderson - White, fifth grade math teacher to Crissy at Georgeville Elementary. She is the survivor from childhood. Her Grandfather and his friends used to violate her on weekends, when her parents would leave her there to be babysat. She is twenty-seven, long black hair, brown eyes. She has a scar above her left eye that she uses to remind herself of her survival and eventual victory over her attackers.

A darker thought

2007-09-23T19:50:00.001-07:00

just know somewhere a child is being hurt. In Darfur, families are being ripped apart. Mothers are threatened by beasts while another takes her child away, dragging the child out into the dirt and publicly and violently brutilizing her. As the little girl or boy has starved for so long there only so much fight they can offer the beast. The kicking and screaming only lasts for so long. Afterwards they are either killed in a terrible way or left to crawl or drag themselves back to their terrified family and left to slowly die of hunger... because there JUST is not enough food for everyone there in the encampment.Somewhere else, here in the US, children, both boys and girls are being dragged and forced to endure the terrible, painful violation from a stranger. Someone who has tricked them into feeling safe with them. A stranger who forces the child to summit to acts never imagined in their safe worlds of love.The abuse is finished with either death, enslavement, or even if the child is released afterwards, they are FOREVER scarred, humiliated, terrified...and shattered.Also theres cruelty innocent animals are suffering. Sometimes tied up, abandoned there to slowly die of hunger and thirst. Feeling, slowly, the pain of the hunger, the loss of muscle abilities, movement, trust. This animal will eventually lay down and not to be able ot get up, and suffer as its body shuts down.There are other things that happen to all the above. Things I've left unsaid. Call me stupid but I don't understand. Why can't these things be stopped. I know in my heart there must be a way. Whether its money, volunteering, education, involvement, caring, talking , yelling....Whatever! I don't know the answer to the solution, but I believe... if there are enough of us to listen, to watch and then to take action. It may not happen tommorrow, but maybe, just maybe it can stop.WE JUST HAVE TO CARE ENOUGH TO GET INVOLVED!