wow, I hadn't realized...

I have thought often, you know you NEED to go and blog...or cancel it! make up your mind...well....

TADA!

I'm BACK! well, for now at least. does anyone remember when I said I was doing renovations last year? Well, I know 1 person who does...lol (the only one who probably reads this thing!)

well, me writing here, isn't the only thing that is back, so are the Reno's! Ugh, this weeks excitement..what was supposed to be a great weekend planned painting and fun with teenagers. turned darkly into the scrape and cry weekend...:(
I so wanted to get into the painting of my dining room, in my own wonderfully 100 year old home. One room, the living room is done. So much to my delight far better than I could have imagined. Fact is I turned around after the furniture was in place and gasped to myself, with great joy!
Now to the dinging room....We have the paint, I had , all hands on deck, furniture was moved, and then, oddly (yeah right) the wall was touched as one large piece of furniture was moved, leaving a scratched spot.
I went over to the spots, looked closer and realized the paint already on the wall was peeling, very similar to that of fingernail polish. I pulled and with horror just KNEW...that no paint would stick to THAT wall...(pouting I knew the dark truth about my walls). It was more than obvious, we were going to have to remove everything on the wall, 100 years of history.
now in reality, I am a history preserver, for most purposes, not where 100 years of terrible, ugly, wallpaper and paint over plaster and lathe walls! There is something about 8 inches of deep purple peonies against green wallpaper that just doesn't NEED to be savaged.
Do you have any idea just how hard it is to remove countless layers upon layers of ugly old wallpaper can be. UGH, ouch, sigh and sadness all describe it!
I hadn't felt good at one point, prior to the scraping point. I had delightful dreams of coming out and finding white primed walls, and a true gain on the rooms redoing. I awoke from my nap, feeling rejuvenated, I came out of the bedroom to some parts of the wall slate gray along with piles of paper on the floor. Sad looks on that of my husband, and my lovely teenage helpers.
so, on goes the saga of renovation trip falls at my home. I just know in my heart, it will someday be finished.
many, many things have been accomplished here. SO MANY difficulties overcome in our processes. Our home is much better than I imagined it would be at this point.
Our front is yet to be finished but, We are beyond a point of shame anymore, and I actually accomplished cutting it the other day, without breaking a sweat, because over half is level, and seeded. Our garden looks great this year, and then so does the living room. The kitchen is starting to definitely looking HUGELY better as well. so there are serious improvements overall. and I count those things when I look at the walls of my horrific dinging room! Knowing full well, there is a lovely neutral beige color for it, calmly and patiently awaiting its opening from its can (ok I had to be silly somewhere)...I know there is a lovely dark brown for the floor to go withthe window shades and so on for the room!

SO as I sit here at 1 am in the morning watching my terribly devoted husband, standing once again on the ladder scraping his little heart out, I will say farewell, and promise not to wait 3 months to come back and comment!

Except for Monday, which was...

Well we have all heard this song right?
Well, it seems I can't get this SONG OUT OF MY HEAD. Maybe that is because it is appropriate. See,s like most days are ok, well except for Monday. Whoops, that's TODAY ISN'T IT?
I am happy to announce that IT IS WARM outside. woohoo! I get to experience that part of the year where my inner soul get to FLY! Oh how I have waited for it. I have told myself, when it gets warm, I will feel better. When it gets warm, I will be able to do more. When it gets warm, I will not hurt. HUH...well, then I read back over last years blogs! LOL

I believe I would find that all the things I was previously telling myself would be true, if I would just factor in just ONE MORE INGREDIENT....caution.

I tend to forget often, yes, today, or for right now, I can....cut the grass, weeds the flower beds, or push the dirt where it belongs...BUT.

Later that day....(which has GOT TO BE MONDAY!)

I can't move, or breathe, or even call my current state of mind at that time, conscious!

I tend to forget that even though it is warm, I don't have to beat myself up, and just ENJOY...Yep ENJOY, the weather and relief.
I have had a lot of time here lately to re-evaluate things, and the last year, and then on to the past.

It has been over a year now, since we lost Auntirene. She impacted us, and others in life, and in death. I realised there were others that were suffering as the date came back around this year. My husband, felt his world crush one more time this year as it came about.

As for his health, well, it is some better, but his abilities are limited, not by his weight, or his job, but some of it is backlash from his heart, the other is from suffering from depression.

As I have taken stock in the good the bad the ugly. I realise, the good keeps popping back up.
for all the bad, with the deaths, money, health issues for us both, OH MY THE GOOD OUT WEIGH THE BAD BY FAR!

There are things and people in our lives that make our hearts sing.
There are days that make other days pale against them, where happiness is concerned.

Pardon me as I list some exceptional things to be grateful for....forgive my ramblings.....
I am grateful for
teenagers, all of you KNOW who you are,
(and although there are those who believe I shouldn't be allowed around kids...that is your issue, not reality)
My friends
my children...ALL OF THEM
My oldest son Charles, and his children
my daughter and Caleb (who strives everyday to make the best of it, in spite of the autism)
My Youngest son and his wife.
My neighbors, my caregiver, my NEW Dr.s who try SO HARD TO HELP...(and yes they do)
there are so many things, everyday, I find all the reasons i the world to lay my head down and give thanks for.

I am so lucky. through all there is in everyday to struggle through.... I am lucky.
Mostly, I am grateful for my husband....who puts up with my every mood!!!!! LOL

He truly has the patience of a Saint.

Wow, I get to stay home..so what do I do...?

In the adventures of going back and forth to the doctorwith 4 hours travel either way...getting shots in several areas, for pain control, ect., ect., ect. oh add the other doctors that AREN'T that far away, well life gets busy.
So today I find myself at HOME woo hoo! I thought well I could do...and .... then I can....!

YEAH RIGHT!

Reality check, there is a reason I travel to the doctor. There is a reason I DON'T do some of these things..DUH! I hate it. I do. So my neighbor decided to have some renovations done on her home, and being the DIY persson I am, I thought I was going to see how they do it. Found out if I was going to do it myself, IF I could do it myself, my procedures are spot on. Now I KNOW if I have my husband do these thingss I really can tell him how to do it! LOL

Well, there are some things I DO plan on doing, piddling around the house, doing the computer things, getting some correspondence done. Then...
I have an important date with the pillow this afternoon! Ah, Lifes little pleasures. There really is something to say for being in an "empty nest."

Come on back later, I plan on doing a COMPLETE update on my chiildren and grandchildren. Then we will see what other sort of things I can get into! lol

Hope you have a great, wonderful, absolutely resting Wednesday!

wow, what a difference a life can make?

Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago, that I worked on the yard. It seems even longer that I actually planted a garden, drove a car, planned anything...but it wasn't. It wasn't a lifetime ago, that I worked in the gravel, the strawberry's, that I helped my husband work with the teenagers to do the wall in front of our house.
AHHH, but then there is today. Today, I am in a motor wheelchair. Think I did too much? Today, I run down the ramp..another necessary addition to our house. It is TODAY, that I have to actually rely on ASKING! that is one of the hardest things to do.

To ask? To depend, to need. Oh what an adjustment I have had to make. Remember me, I taught myself to paddle the gravel, and odd ways of getting things done? Remember, my major concern was to see which color matched what in the world of flowers.
Oh well, we will start something new. Something valuable in the realm of my everyday. That's OK too.
Maybe I need to get back to that writing thing I do. Petting the dogs, loving the husband...and the family.
I think I will just re- prioritize.
...more to come....

Somedays are longer than others.

I KNOW the weather is changing outside. All one has to do is to walk out the door to feel the chill in the temperature. This does a few things to me and for me.

I will end up in MORE pain, just from the varying barametric pressure changes and how they relate to this body of the injured. Remember when your OLD Granny Use to look at you and say, "well we're gonna get some rain." She knew because the changes in the barametric pressure worked on her arthritis. Well, arthritis is just one of my issues. I full intend on making this a short blog, so I will go , yeah that's the problem!

No More working outside. There isn't a lot of value in...well decorating and landscaping the snow and mud now is there? I can plan, and plan. This just tends to, well this will terrify the husband. I don't have a lot of use anymore for the whole outdoor decorating for the holidays. No, I'm not a grinch, or scrooge, I just have no desire with my pain levels to do the whole ladder thing in the cold!

I am going to have more time to write. Woo Hoo! Time to organise the interior of the house, my affairs, and my thoughts!

I have had a wonderful invitation for my husband and myself to visit my youngest son and his new wife. We have yet to meet. My daughter has begun her new life as a single mother and I am terribly excited to see her new home.

If God be willing, There are others out there I wish to spend MAJOR time with. My neighbor has gotten me interested in a project of hers. Being a history fanatic, she has some documents she needs help with. They are copies from the civil war time. I am delighted and honored to be able to be counted in on this adventure she is on.

So I guess instead of looking at the bad coming, I CHOOSE to look forward to the things I have to look forward to.

Oh No...Mr. Bill, I'm A GIRL!

If indeed it is elves or fairies, I wish they really didn't know what sizes I wear, and what my taste in clothing is. That being said, I am leaning toward the latter of the above sentence. I must have a clothing addiction. I believe this because I have been doing laundry for two days and low and behold...I am still washing. Now, some would say that well, you have more than yourself. Yep, sure do, I have a husband and 5 animals.

That's IT! The little dogs are wearing my clothing and mustering it up! NOT.
I just have too many clothes.

We have been under the constant flux here from remodeling and moving the things of our lost loved one, and just generally reclaiming what is ours.

OK, so here has been MY plan.

Go into a room...decimate it! Take it to bare bones, remove everything. Go through it ALL, sort shift, discard, clean replace where everything in the room is perfect and ORGANIZED! WOO HOO.

The problem...What comes out, has to go somewhere?

If you remove it from one room...where you going to put it until 1) you can sort through it. 2) you feel good enough to go through it 3) where are you going to keep those things till then?
Enter ...space bags, garbage bags, eye socket bags!
OK, antiques, doilies likely never to be used again, and memento's which should be protected go into space bags... DONE!

Throw out things not worth saving...ummm, we might do this a few times, because well,...I just might want that, OR I might get into that...
OR You know I could save that and put into a quilt, or cleaning rags, or.... (well I am sure you get by now)

NOW, onto the reality. I have WAY to many clothes. No I CAN'T get rid of them. Some are versatile outfits. For church, meetings, going out, or you know holidays, ( Yeah and I could win the Lottery and what would I wear)

I have clothing for working outside. Yep...plenty of them. It may not have officially started that way but who throws out a perfectly good fitting bleach and dirt (permanently stained) Jeans?
I have all the other clothing.

I think I have an addiction to the potential I used to have. Ergo the 14 dress outfits and suits. Too many outdoor clothing. Just plain and simple. Then there are the other outfits. Just too many cute outfits!

Here's the truth. When I was younger, they never EVER called me Jackie (yeah that is my name), they called me Jack. Yep a boys name. Oh wait..I was fine with that, because I truly thought I was supposed to be a boy anyway. I liked tools, Fields and the woods. I liked bumming underneath the cars, and fixing the water. I had no problem except..OH I am a girl. I really struggled with this for years. I choose to go into traditionally male dominated jobs, (yep and broke a few of the old theories about women during this time). I fixed my car. I was a single parent. I did it all, anything a man could do, yep...me too. (Boy and girls alike. When they tell you girls you can't stand and pee, don't believe them, I tried that too! Just to prove I could. It was messy, But I could do it!) I should have been a boy. I didn't like dressing like girls did, I definitely didn't go for the whole cutesy tootsie, getting my hair curled thing!

Fast forward to ...COOL fashions! OLD AGE! and just the general discovery of great fitting jeans. There is my issue. I found out I am A GIRL! A girl who can match clothing, arrange pictures, shape and figure out how to decorate my world. Beginning with the inventory of filled hangers in my closet! LOL..Oh it is such an issue.

I had the clothing in the one room, waiting for my strength to be rebuilt. Oh...enter...

THE DOGS!

The ones that think their mommy REALLY loves them, they know this because look what she did for us...She made great new beds for us in the laundry baskets! Yep...they got all over the sorted clothing and well...the clothing got clirty...I am hoping you know clirty.
its a combination of clean and dirty. Yep my clean clothes were clirty, they were contaminated by my animals dirty feet. clean + dirty =

CLIRTY!

OK...today, I bit the bullet. It IS LAUNDRY-DAY...OK DAYS!
two days and counting. but this has given me a chance to get reacquainted with many items I haven't seen in a while, and yes I vow to touch them in the next 6 months!

My addiction is apparent. I admit it. Trust me I am on the semi road to recovery. I did get rid of some, donated to our local free charity.
But that has left me with 5 weeks of, ummmm, non-repeating outfits.

So, as I go through the outfits, I plan on putting markers, otherwise known as going to the ends of the closet, so I know which I will get rid of in the spring!

Wish me luck!

Admissions, how do you make them.

I know we all make mistakes. All of us. No one is excluded from this category. Many of us will try desperately to lie our way out of them, avoidance is another thing. I guess my question is, when we KNOW in our hearts, we have made a mistake, how do we admit it.

There are several times in the course of everyday, each and everyone of us makes mistakes. Whether it is (yes I have done this), ruining someone clothing in a wash cycle and mysteriously its ended up in the trash to cover our hides, or lost money and not told your husband/parent/significant other. It may have been a bumper bender which is barely noticeable.

There are other mistakes we make as well. Trusting those we shouldn't, finding out that you have made a humongous money error, putting faith in others we shouldn't have. Then there are the mistake like...being addicted to something, drugs, alcohol, sex. Cheating is another thing that many deal with. Portraying yourself as another person to those outside your home, ( we all know those people, they act like the perfect employee, perfect family person, perfect business person) this is another mistake some make.

So the question I propose is, when do you admit your errors? How do you do it. I have problems myself that I have a terrible time admitting to myself, let alone to others, my own mistakes. I want to be seen as a better person than I really am. I find that sometimes though it is a terrifying thought to "fan ones laundry", though it is supposed to be good for the should? It is terrifying to think of! How will my life change, and will it be for the better?

How do we approach someone we know with the fact they are committing a huge error. You may know why, but what happens when that comes about, you risk a friendship, relationship with a family member/spouse. DO we want to stop having contact with those people, just how long and in what ways should we admit to our OWN issues?

I am open for advise?

Sometimes we just need to change the wardrobe!

I have been experiencing some very good news lately. After a long and tiring turn of trying to find a doctor. I have never really given up on the hope that someday...SOMEDAY, I would find someone/somewhere/something that would help my life even get back to a little of the old me. I tried and failed so miserably, so many times, went through some sadistic treatments. No, none of them helped. Sometimes, the futility of my situation seemed to NEVER END! I feel into hopelessness often.

I had days where I prayed for a release from GOD. Imagining that life, as it were, for the next forty more years, well that was harder to fathom and get my mind around than anyone can imagine. I would go through my days crying, hobbling around with a cane (which I still use), stumbling and bumbling around the house. I wished I could find some path to help me to understand why this path was so hard and endlessly miserable.

I went through doctor, after doctor. I tried to explain to each and everyone of them, life as "me". They never got it. So I would either be sent back to my regular doctor, who would either shrug, or do nothing. I would listen to the great and ALL KNOWING doctors; who were far more educated than I. I'd try to figure out,yet another route to travel for the great enlightenment of my doomed future. I never made it there, either.

I, as I stated earlier, have run into yet another doctor. I refused to accept I was just a mixed bag of issues, some of them beyond the doctors knowledge and ability. Many of the issues I dealt with on a daily basis were not even addressed by the OH, SO GREAT PHYSICIANS around in our localalities, treated as non-issues, unworthy of their addressing.

I understand that many of the doctors are far brighter than I, and the mere fact that I would fall cold onto the floor in a dead of state of unconsciousness was a triviality, but I thought an acknowledgement would have been nice. I stayed frustrated. I stayed in pain. I stayed compelled to continue my fight.

SO I WENT clothes shopping!

I KNOW...CLOTHES SHOPPING? Hard following, huh? If I go shopping and just grab something off the rack of dozens of colors and sizes and assorted patterns...I am without doubt...not going to be happy.

If someone stops at a plaza, shopping mall, store, boutique, and then tells me I have to shop there, I would be miffed to say the least. I wouldn't be going in and if I did...I likely wouldn't buy. I am sorry, I still believe you can take a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

If I buy, or have bought for me, clothing which is too big, too small, or just a tad out-dated. I am not buying it, keeping it, and I am

DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO BE MADE TO WEAR IT ALWAYS!!! EVERYDAY, OF THE WEEK, OF THE MONTH, OF THE YEAR ....FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

I don't think that is fashion correct anyway. I am old fashioned, I don't wear my hem on my dress to where my buttocks are going to show when I bend! So why would I consider this format...

FOR MY HEALTH!

I kept trying, something inside me kept saying go, don't give up, keep trying. I tried to do what was asked of me of the doctors. I kept telling myself, they know best. BUT my insides kept saying, I can't live this way. I CAN'T! This isn't life!

The pain was horrendous, debilitating, life stopping and in some peoples realm, life stopping, by any means.

I changed my clothes. I went out and kept shopping, for the outfit that fit, I wanted that PERFECT outfit. Just the right color, size, fit, and style. I found it finally. I am hoping this outfit turns out to be one of those timeless pieces. You know that PERFECT blue or black blazer. That just right size of gym shoes that feel great and invigorate your feet when you wear them all day. I pray this doctor is just like my favorite pair of jeans, the one that hasn't gone out of style, and never does!

Do NOT settle for an old outfit, that doesn't fit. Don't wear someone Else's outfit that is so tight...It hurts. Don't settle for the doctor /outfit that hasn't been updated in a very long time. Or goodness don't wear an outfit not for your age/style/gender.

I would really hate to have you where a woman's dress if you are a 7 foot basketball player, even if it is a wedding dress with great lines!

Just don't quit shopping. KEEP looking. DO NOT GIVE UP!

Blog, Blah, and comments with no BLING!

OH, I have to admit it. Sometimes I get sidetracked. I forget to BLOG There are times I don't feel very well, then....I have to admit it....I have been cheating on my blogging with another website!

It is a great website though, it is called the Experience Project. I have met so many wonderful, people there. People like myself, only they are from ALL OVER! One friend is from Australia. I find some of the things I need are met there. Some of the people I have encountered, I would bring them into my home, feed them, hug them and love them forever. The feeling is mutual as well.

Now I have the other admissions. I sometimes run out of things to say I think others would be inteested in reading on a daily basis. I hate dragging people down with the mundane and miserable life I have on days. Those are the BLAH days.

There are other times I don't blog, those are days that I am BOUNCING around the internet, just like an intenet Tigger, commenting hither and thro! Leaving COMMENT here and comment there. Like a bird or a bee. I am sure there are those who find my comments unwlecome, but for those un-enlightened individuals, I said....Remove your comment box!

One more....

One more thing, if I do just one more I'll be done. HA
The lists of thing to do around my home is incredible. Among other things, eventually I am going to have to take time off to finish some of my writing projects! I know on the scale of 100 years, whether I finish leveling that dirt pile in the back is small, but in the realm of going out the back door? Not so un-noticeable! So I am working at it, piddling is what I like to call it. Take the dogs out to go potty, move one shovel of dirt, then move one shovel of dirt, then move one shovel of dirt, well you get the idea.
I have learned to minimize things to myself. It has worked so far. It isn't that way everyday, of course, because some days it equals, one step, just take one step.

Well, after all the talk about my health here, and all the whining and complaining I have done, I have some news. I have been struggling with pain and problems for 17 years. Every time I went to the doctors, they would scratch their little educated heads and say, "Well, I'm not sure why or what it is that is causing this. No I don't know where you'll end up." This always made me feel ever so confident in the medical profession.
After much complaint, research, and so on...the verdict is in. They have definitively diagnosed me as having Multiple Sclerosis. Now for some that would be devastating, but to me it is an answer. No more dark future of unknown. I am researching it more and more each day. The good thing about KNOWING what is wrong with you is you can see what will happen and what can be done. One of the SURE things is IT DOES NOT KILL YOU! So sorry for your luck, I am going to be here for a while!!!

Now back to the fun part....my yard! I have a few more things to finish in the back but I have started bleeding the work to the side and front yards! WOO HOO. In as much as there are four sides to the yard, front, back, left and right sides. Which part depends on what needs to be done. The major renovations have obviously been in the back and front.
The back yard is about one week from being done. Move small pile of dirt, small pile of gravel, build arbor and remove the rest of wood pile. Ta DA! The actual patio furniture actually made it to the patio yesterday! This was a major event. I did a little dance in my back yard. I was by myself, and then noticed some children who had been playing two yards over, they stopped and looked at the crazy old lady with the mean dogs dance..I stopped, waved, and they turned their backs and went about their play! Oh well, I guess I get Geek of the Year award!

Today's plan is to try and clean out some of the side yards weeds and to get rid of the Giant Sunflowers. Yep, it's getting to be that time of year. Then it''s off to the back yard again. In a perfect world I would be able to do these things in two days, but It AIN'T perfect here, if you have any questions ask me about my laundry.

Well, I should end this dialogue or today's list will be tomorrows!

BLESSINGS

This year has been a year of learning. There have some extremely sad moments where loss of so many things struggled to crush us. There have been some glorious moments where elation took over.
Balancing the two is hard. As I look back at the year at this point the only consistent I have found is the blessing GOD has given us.

The loss of both our Aunt and my Step-Mother. Struggling with the health issues both my husband and myself. Financial issues, remodeling a 100 year old house, family issues have all taken a toll on us.

My daughter has been through her own trials this year. It amazes me at how much I have learned from her. Her attitude that things will be okay and that you should count your blessings; has once again reminded me of ALL the things I have been able to experience.

I used to love it when I went to college. Learning was a thrill for me. I would get just like a child every semester. The thought of learning something new delighted me. This year has been like going through a VERY long, tough semester at college, where all the courses weren't gravy courses.

I will say, the blessings I have had were amazing.
I have found GOD is always with me.
I have an amazing daughter and son.
I have a grandson, who is autistic, and more than up to the challenge of overcoming.
I have been blessed with a husband who is the love of my life. A perfect mate.
I have been blessed with the company of amazing teenagers.
I have the greatest relationship now with an awesome 14 year old.
I have the sweetest pets to comfort me when I feel bad.
I have finally found out why I feel bad.
I have the best neighbors, and friends.
I have found my own inner strength, and it is wonderful.
I have found friends on another website, who support and encourage me.
I have a home that I can bring to life.
I have a blessing everyday to be grateful for. Each one is awe inspiring in its own right.

So if you haven't figured it out, I am counting my blessings and I am overwhelmed by the amount of love GOD has given me. HE has allowed me to have all these undeserved gifts, and I am humbled.

Alright, I have had help. I am a tad of a control freak too!

BEFORE



AFTER














I have NEVER been one of those sit and point people. I also have ALWAYS lived a life of,...Well if no one else is going to do it, someone has to. Fair enough?
I have had some of the most remarkable help this summer. The gift of self has been the norm, not that I understand that whole yet.
There have been breaks, in my visitations of help though. There have been projects I have wanted done, that only I could describe, and then to acheive REQUIRED me to complete.
My husband is back at work, I've mentioned that before, so he isn't at his top game either. He is so tired when he comes home, he looks at what has been acheived, talks about how wonderful it is, and then shakes his head when he finds out how it was done. OH well, I can't help it.

I love decorating. I LOVE my 100 year old home. When we bought this house it wasn't because we were in love with everything, actually little, EXCEPT the bones. Our home had lovely old bones that showed so much untapped potential. Well, where there is potential,there is work to be done.
If you read the previous blog, you will note that I have at least reduced to the "Think Small" school of thought. Which is great.
As for over extendeding...MAYBE?

Think Small!

I know I have mentioned that I have health issues. That is a dead horse I won't go over.

I will also remind you I have been ever so AMBITIOUS, as to undertake the renovations of my home, with a BUNCH of help! Well, school is starting and the husband is back at work and no, things aren't done. As IF...
So now I have come to the realization that much of the things left to be done are going to be are going to fall on my old decrepit shoulders. AW, are you pitying me yet?

So there are a few things to be accomplished outside. something about five to eight ton of gravel to be set into the patio, removal of a pallet of retaining wall block (each weighing thirty pounds).

There is the building of the rest of the retaining wall, as well as the landscaping of the front yard. Oh and then let's talk about the front porch and the exterior of the house and stuccoing the bottom of the house. OK. Got the idea yet. TO MUCH HGTV! Well that is what my husband has told me. What do you think?
I have not yet told you about the inside yet have I? OK never mind that till later! Are you rolling your eyes, sometimes I do.

Well, let's get back to the "Think Small" title. I have realised it is very hard to do certain acts.
Silly little things like shovel, rake, dig... and so on. I have been known to do these things, I am not going to lie about that, but I have PAID DEARLY for them. But I have figured it out...Think Small.

As opposed to shovelling the gravel into a wagon, which requires a great deal of effort. Then take it a few feet to drop it. I have thought about picking up a shovel and throwing it a few feet to the other end of the patio, alright that hurts too. I finally figured it out.
For me, little here and there is okay.
I realised I may not be able to do somethings but oddly enough, I CAN Paddle. Yea, I said. You know like in a boat. So every time I take the dogs for a walk, I paddle. I paddle the gravel to the other side.

Little as a time. I Paddle the fire out of four or five shovel of gravel. Should I call this Piddling then since it is SO small? Maybe I should but, I get it done. Little at a time.
I have managed to get about one half of the intended projects I set out for myself this way.

So I think I am going to push the little things. Go small and go home!

I would love to hear you comment on the matter. Is Big really better?

Alright. I admit it. I AM OLD! oh that hurt! My daughters fairy tale.

I am forty-eight. It hurts, because on somedays I emotionally feel like I am still twenty-five. Well, my twenty-five was different than some twenty-five year olds. I had already had three children, I was working hard to feed the family as a single mom but, when I went out to play at twenty-five, I played HARD!

I danced with abandonment. Drank like a fish (with the tolerance of an elephant). Laughed hard at things around my. I was LIVELY?

I have since then struggled with health issues and abuse since then so I have slowed down. I still laugh, just about now as much as I did when I was tewnty-five, which REALLY help.
I now find myself in a place I would have never thought I would be in.

My daughter is alomst divorced. Fortunately, it wasn't a nasty divorce, as far as divorces go but, anyone who has been through one knows they all take their toll. She is doing well. I am so very thankful. Well, now enter Mom.......
I have listened to her, she has the same sort of abandonment that I had when I was her age (minus the drinking which is even better). She can laugh, from her heart, she sings around the house and dances where ever and when ever she can. She is just starting to find her hearts joy on a personal level.
I have found that now that it isn't me, I want to help her find her hearts desire. The fairy tale.
I want her to dance alone in a room while the music plays. I want her to dance with a BUNCH of people when she goes out, and to dance just as hard while she is out as when she is home. I want her to laugh at the silly things she does everyday, (because we ALL do silly things everyday). I want her to feel the freedom of laughing till you cry, gasp, eyes water.
When my kids were younger, they would start laughing at things, and they would get to the point where they couldn't stop, and they would laugh harder when they tried to stop, and it would be so infectious that we would all get the giggles for hours, ad it felt WONDERFUL.

I want the fairy tale for her. I have been looking at friends, and friends kids to see if there is a fairy tale here for my daughter so she can have the same recklessness I did.

So...now I find myself in an unusual place....Matchmaker? I can only laugh, it feels so strange to be her3e, but I realized that is what I have been doing. I have been encouraging to go out. With a BUNCH of guys. I feel like a pimp! I want her to look at a variety of guys, to look to see what she likes and doesn't like. I want her to adopt the idea I had before I met my husband. At some point, I realized there were guys out there, who would take you places I couldn't afford to go. I found out these guys would ....open my door, feed me steak or whatever I wanted to eat, they would take me to concerts, fairs, movies, and a varitable cornacopia of places...OH and they never got anything but my friendship. Yeah ok maybe I was just a little bit of a user. Ok but if they were expecting something...then they were users too.

I want my daughter to have those things though. So I have been looking for those things to lead my daughter this way and that, to go here and try that. DOes that make me my daughters Madam? Oh just a Mom.
Either way, I have finally had to admit that I am an OLD MARRIED woman. So I guess that would mean that I am old, married, a user, a pimp, a madam, a friend to my child ( who is in her late twenties).

So now that I have admitted ALL ( yeah right) improper behavior and old age. I will let you comment on what YOU want. For yourself, Your kids, Your family. Admit the fun stuff though.
Cause we all want to rich, good looking, and healthy!

My own little garden?

Even though I was born and raised a "city" girl, all I ever longed for was a litle garden of my own. I would, as a child plant dandelions in the yard because, just like most children do at one point or another, I thought they were they moest BEUATIFULIST flower in the world. Now of course we don't want to through stones, but can you imagine what Mother said? Phew!
Later, we moved to the "country". I was so excited that I had somewhere I could actually breathe and run, I was six when we moved. Once again, the thought of flowes and a garden of my own permeated my thoughts, till....I found out my mother (who was a born and bred city girl), not only had no desire, but the lack of garden knowledge to undertake it.

Fast Forward Twenty Years

I moved to the appalachian area. I had had enough of city and urban living. My kids didn't do well, I couldn't afford being a single parent. So me and the Uhaul came to an agreement, I drive you carry! I lived in the hills of Appalachia.
I brought up my children there and then I was, well how can I express this, fortunate enough to meet and marry a local?
I did get my garden though, one half acre of garden. I didn't know before I was going to have to feed seven children and at least two adults out of it for the whole year. ACK! Now I have explained tha$ my other wasn't actually a garden enthusiast, There wasn't a real examle to follow on "how to." Well, by hooks and crooks I managed not only to grow an outstanding gorgeous garden, but I did feed us all. Good thing, the loving local never tried!

Fast forward ten years

I returned to the city, where I met and married another man, (my current husband). Once again we had no place for the garden, but I did manage to squek out a few flowers, and there were no dandelions this time!
We made another agreement with the stupid Uhaul truck one more time and it for some reason here in Indiana. I do have my garden now, no we don't have to survive off of it. I do grow strawberries, YUMMMMMM. We have also managed a few dwarf fruit trees. Flowers are everywhere and now I am almost addicted each year to the tons of plant mags I get from EVERYWHERE. I piddle now. I am not mandatory to do anything to it. I am not terrified I will not have food for the year, only my treats!

I have to admit though, my little garden now is only about twenty foot by seventy foot. Not huge, yet this garden has something the other didn't have in it. It seeme that in my "little" garden, peace grows. Weeds do as well, but they are not the threat they used to be, just a small nuisance.
So when I want to find an escape, I go to my own little place in the garden. I love it.

Maybe I need to write a book about "adventures in Landscaping"

A guide to the disabled and plantings?

That would be funny. Maybe throw in some funny caricatures! pics of me and the teens all examining the 20 tons of dirt and then climbing on top? I could feature a section on "how to shovel and ONLY be in bed for 3 days" Then I could give people advice in how to make the best of a little space and still have fruit trees and strawberries.
I think I would write a chapter on the correct way to slide down the row of strawberries and de-weed them while not showing your rear end to everyone. My neighbor thinks I have all the "tricks" to using tools, maybe I would write a section on that/
I would write this book and then submit it to the HGTV guys and get my own show.
Oh, I KNOW

I would write about the virtues of planting green, that's a "hot" topic. Add a part on how to suffer Heat exhaustion, and survive!
Maybe I could write this book... except...
I am surviving heat exhaustion, and have been in bed for more than three days. I can't hardly move this week cause the weather and the landscaping has gotten the best of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Triple degree Faux-pa! OOPS!

Well, I have been mentioning my "Adventures in Landscaping"! Well, what haven't mentioned is all the weeding I HAVEN'T been doing. So, being me, yesterday I decided to clean out the strawberry bed! I did forget to get the weather report and fancied right out the door. 5 hours later, I had a hard time understanding why I felt light headed and exhausted? DUH! The weatherman informed me of the 100 plus degree heat index.
That's OK, little by little, I am chipping away at the back yard. I just have approximately 20 tons of various substances out of the backyard and into "other" areas! No problem. Being "superwoman", I should be able to achieve this by ...Oh tomorrow night! Yeah, Right!
There actually has been a considerable amount achieved, like the graveyard for my beloved lost pets is done. A drainage ditch is dug. One half of a small gravel pile is moved. Most of the strawberries are cleaned out. Flowers and bushes have been planted. Not bad for an old girl and some much appreciated help from a teenager!

I believe I shoveled myself into a hole!

Well, yes we worked and worked on the landscaping, and Oh My Goodness. less than 4 hours later I wasn''t walking and have just managed to wiggle out of bed! An amazing amount of work was done. S. and I sat down, made an unacheivable list of things (19 items), I am amazed that all but six were finished ! Yea, I think S. and I are a SUPERTEAM.
Unfortunately, I am not sure how long it is going to take to get me up and at em'. but I am sure we will be able to work better than the guys !!!! lol

shovel, shove, poke and plant

Wow what a day. With Well, S. and I worked and worked outside today till both of us are ready to drop. But this being the fact that we shoveled about 2 tons of soil, and planted 40 potted vines on the edge of the new retaining wall, we also transplanted 2 trees, 4 potted bushes and just worked ourself to death. Now being that my health stinks, you should get an idea how much my young friend has done.

I believe that the best part of the day is that through all that we did today...We laughed and joked ALL DAY LONG! I love this kid. She is an ispiring young lady. She is one of those kids that gives kids a GREAT name!

Thank M and D, loaning me your kids has made not only my life easier, but so much brighter. I love S. and her big brother K.

rattle, rattle, rattle, bang, bang, boom, boom boom boom!

Well, we took our car in for some seriously LONG overdue maintenance on Tuesday when we got back from the party. Ok, lets see, there was the oil change, transmission fluid change, brake pads, rotors, fix the oil leak around the gasget, and as if this wasn't enough... let's charge the a/c!

chaaaa....ching!

Well, we picked up the car....drove a little way, and the car that has been sooo very faithful, figured out it was Finally it's turn to be taken care of. SOOOOOO, Cabluie! Now the A/c compressor has went out and leaked oil ALL over the engine. Then as IF this wasn't enough, the belt went flying off, and ALL the lights lite up on the dash, temperature went to the top and the powersteering started to seize.

NOW the good news. We were a few blocks from the shop who had worked on the car and it limped into the place...then they did all they could do take it right in and do whatever they could to fix it...BUT...Nope no such luck.

They did give us a loaner car for free as well as are doing all they can to do what they can to help us out. I could be upset, but I am too busy thanking GOD for the blessings. If we had taken the car on the trip this weekend then we could have been stuck WAY far away from home. If it had been six months ago... we could have been walking because of lack of funding to fix it, so for now....These things didn't happen. So life's little glitch gave us a break. Thank goodness.

Talked to a couple of friends today and even though some are struggling with health, car trouble and other issues...Only one person has had problems truly terrible news for the Friday the Thirteenth.

I haven't had very much to complain terribly about. I have a great KID staying with me still. Though I cannot been able to talk Her parents into seriously leaving her here! It would be so wonderful. This girl has been a joy. There hasn't been anything she has been asked she hasn't done, There really isn't anything I wouldn't do for her in return. She has honestly has stolen my heart. It has been a kick in the butt! I so enjoyed being a parent when my kids were teens, even when my eldest had problems. They taught me so much, we always had a lot of fun and having this girl here for however long they'll let me keep her, I will gladly take!

I guess I am going to have to go to court and appeal to the courts for freind? visitation? do they do that? Teasingly, we have told her for her birthday we are buying her bedroom furniture for here! She just laughed! (The teenager)
It took a little explaination to Dad to explain that Kids ALWAYS mind someone else. Has anyone ever noticed that? Though, I so enjoyed my children, don't get me wrong...THEY drove me BATTY sometimes. They always were on their best behavior for someone else. Never fails.

The truth is though, that between the children of my own I raised, the children of close family I helped raise, my step-children as well as the throw-aways and the vollunteer time at the schools, I've had a hand in quite a few childrens lives as well as they in mine.
I honestly can say, they have taught me far more than I them though. I have enjoyed them far more than they me. The memories, lessons in life, struggles and the ability to bounce back has been far more given to me than the otherway around.

Well, so for my declaration for Friday the 13th, I just have LOTS and LOTS to be grateful for.