Thursday, May 1, 2008

Years Ago I used to say and think, "It can't get any worse."

Now that can tell you how FOOLISH I was in my youth! NOW, I'm afraid to utter the words. Miss Molly and I were planning on an adventure. A real ONE! An adventure where there weren't children, husbands (especially sick ones), no doctors, nursing homes, funeral homes, just here and I off to see Kelly.
Honestly, I was so excited. I thought not only am I going to have a GREAT time with Molly, but I was going to meet Kelly as well. Since I am in the process of getting my own writing seriously underway (Yeah I know you all heard that from me before), I might get a little hint at what my future will look like (Yeah, If I'm Lucky!). OK.

I go to bed early, set the alarm for 5:30 am, (it was going to be a long drive), and then we were off for the morning with the help of my dogs next to me in bed and the sedative in my belly to calm the excitement!
I get up right on time. get the clothes ready, yell at the hubby to empty the car whilst I shower...

Yeah then my life and reality comes CRASHING DOWN! No, nothing fell, (I even kept my footing in the shower), but reality has a way of making things inexplicably difficult and NASTY, if you don't believe me check out Molly's blog (the link is to the right).
John , my husband, goes out to the car and begins the task of removing items from the car when he notices....

the car leaning,

not a little and in an unusual way. He walks around the car, (according to him) and sees that one of the tires is not holding air on one side, (according to him). Yeah, that's right boys and girls, I have a FLAT! Not only do I have a flat tire, but I only have one of those ever so appropriately named "donuts" for a spare. GRRRRRRR!
So , John comes in and tells me of the situation. He also tells me the place that fixes our tires, in the VERY small town I'm in doesn't open until 9 a.m. That was it, the heart dropped, the frustration/confusion and finally my temper all GO THROUGH THE ROOF. I went outside after a few minutes and checked the tire and what do I see...I gouge out of the sidewall. Nope sure couldn't be one of those flats where you could run over to the convenient store and buy "Fix-a-Flat" now could it.
Hubby, honey, hit the curb last night when we came back home, and neither of us thought much about it, But "HONEY!" punched a hole in the side! Yeah I guess I could cut him some slack...But not today.
Do to what I was felling at the time, (anger, frustration, and embarrassment) John calls Miss Molly and informs her what is going on. SO we hold out the hope the garage will hurry.


I remember it is my life we're talking about. Well, mine and Molly's lives, which both concurrently have had the honor of having the worst time and luck on Earth lately. I have to tell you, as far as Molly goes, if none of you know it, She's a saint. REALLY! Things she does for others, when no one is looking, both her and her family. The understanding, love, support, and any other good thing one can say about them really is true. I've known them for quite a bit now, up close and personal.

Well, after the guy comes takes my tire off, I go with him, (silently hoping this will put a burner under him). Verbally, I reminded him I had an appointment. So never mind he came late, took forever and THEN KEPT LEAVING ME THERE TO DO OTHER RUNS, before taking me back to the car.
Eventually, I just had him drop me off at the house, with MY TIRE. I wasn't going to wait for him to make the next run before he could put my wheel back on like he asked, JUST DROP US (meaning, me and my tire) OFF!
I put the damn thing on myself. It was late, too late to try to make the book signing. TOO late to spend time with Molly, too late to be away, TOO LATE FOR ANY THING FOR ANYONE! I called Molly and we talked a while and yes she was understanding.
It seems what looked like a gash , in truth was a gouge. It has some scratches around it, but it was small enough that we didn't notice it when we got out of the car last night and by the time we did it was TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sorry, Molly. I am also sorry Kelly. It, once again was my fault. Molly being the person she is has admonished me over my own self persecution, But that's because she is a sweetheart, with the true heart of gold.
Once again, I have let her down and I am not sure why she is still talking to me. And as for you molly, Please don't tell me to get over it again.

Monday, April 28, 2008


Wow, three days can be the making of terror. As I have spoken of my husbands health as well as my own, it has been an interesting ride shall we say.

I have forever been the "CAREGIVER", the one who said "I can do it because someone has to." I did stuff because I felt I had to, that this is what I was meant to do. AS Johns health has declined, I have begun to pick up the slack. ALL the slack, including doing things a normaly, healthy person would have felt stress and fatigue over. Never being one of those individuals who understood limitations, (someone forgot to tell meI didn't wear a cap and could fly) I have overdone it. I have found my own terror at my own making.

Terror in my world is NOT being able to do evrything I set out to do. ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO WAS TO GO TO A FRIENDS PARTY FOR HER SON.

Whamp...I gave out. Regardless of what I said to my body, my body said something different. We went, I gave out, we had to leave mid way through the party. My heart broke.

To My Dear Friend...I am sorry and I love you all.

Maybe I'll learn.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The newest thing running

Running! well not literally, but that seems to be what I've been doing...till...I've RUN myself down! One of my dearest friends had a party for her sons confirmation. An event we have been planning on attending for quite a while.
We went, It was a GREAT party, but somewhere between the meal and the event, I felt the urge to pass out!With my own health issues at the back and Johns my primary concern, I have run myself into the ground. I got light headed, dizzy, started stumbling, and though I just told everyone I couldn't stay, I AM SURE THEY KNEW. They kept coming up and asking me if I were OK?...( as opposed to asking John).

Well all I can say is I hope they understand. I love them dearly and if had been possible I would have been there. I just don't think it would have looked too good if I had passed out during MASS!

The List Update.

If you read my last post you would know I am a Lister. I LIST EVERYTHING!
well I have decided that I am going to keep my list to a ten line max. (as opposed to the entire house list which is VERY comprehensive). After I complete my yen items then I should rest. Exhaustion is a bad thing for someone with health issues. Trust me I know.

Well, I'm pretty sure the transition is complete. When we say," Time for night, night." He bounds toward the bed and does his Rabbit imitation with the other two dogs. He stands in line now to get treats like the other two do and as for his interaction with the other two...Charlotte and him have found out that they can wrestle for hours! FROM ONE END OF THE HOUSE TO THE OTHER! I truly believe he feels at "home" now.

Hubby update

John had a new blood test and his blood is getting thinner, though it is still thin. He remains weak. We are starting to do our research and find out what is what as well as where we go from here. It seems there isn't much they can do for him. Not because of his size, but because of the enlargement of the left atrial. This is what is the problem. He is going to have to work at getting his strength back, but it looks like we're going to have to wait for his blood to work itself out first.
He is trying a little more each day, but he's not adventurous yet. Keep him in your thoughts.